Billie’s blog: June 2021

Terri Speirs on June 14, 2021

Juneteenth – How Black People Celebrate Freedom

by Billie Wade, guest blogger

June 2021 – Juneteenth, June 19, is a joyous day for Black Americans for it ended slavery in the United States. On this day in 1865—more than two and a half years after the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation—General Gordon Granger read to enslaved people in Galveston, Texas “General Order No. 3.” The words of the order declared: “The people of Texas are informed that in accordance with a proclamation from the Executive of the United States, all slaves are free.” This simple statement freed 250,000 slaves. The Declaration of Independence dated July 4, 1776, and signed August 2, 1776, did not declare freedom for what would multiply to almost 700,000 slaves in 1790.

Newly freed slaves immediately celebrated. On June 19, 1866, freedmen in Texas organized the first formal celebration, then called “Jubilee Day.” Over the years, Juneteenth celebrations have included music, barbecues, prayer services, parades, and other activities. Juneteenth spread to other regions of the country as Black people moved from Texas.

Juneteenth, thought to be the oldest African American holiday, is the melding of “June” and “nineteenth.” In 1979, Texas became the first state to decree Juneteenth an official holiday. Today, 47 states recognize Juneteenth as a state holiday, while efforts to make it a national holiday have so far stalled in Congress.

The Emancipation Proclamation signed January 1, 1863, which provided in part, “shall be then, thenceforward, and forever free,” freed only those slaves in Confederate States. When Northern forces marched into the South, numerous slaves fled to safety behind Union lines. Despite the order, some slaveowners suppressed the news until harvesting was done. On December 6, 1865, with ratification of the 13th Amendment, the institution of slavery in the United States was officially abolished.

President Abraham Lincoln had signed the Emancipation Proclamation with some trepidation. He believed Black men should have the right to improve their lives and enjoy the rewards of their endeavors which equaled them to White men. However, he opposed absolute equality. In a September 18, 1858, debate with U. S. Senate opponent Stephen Douglas, he admitted that he was not nor ever had been in favor of social and political equality for Black and White people.

Mr. Lincoln went on to say he was against Black people having the right to vote, to sit on juries, to hold public office, and to marry White people. His biggest hurdle, though, was the endorsement of slavery by the U. S. Constitution which included clauses governing fugitive slaves and the clause defining slaves as three-fifths human. At one time, Lincoln considered removing Black people from the country and colonizing them in various locations in Africa which angered Black leaders and advocates. He said because of the racial differences and the hostilities of White people toward Black people it would be better if the races were separated. Little has changed in the past 156 years. When White people become uncomfortable, Black people must go away in all the many forms that happens in this country.

Although limited, the Emancipation Proclamation indicated a critical change in Lincoln’s mindset regarding slavery and the Civil War. Approximately 200,000 Black men served the Union Army and Navy landing a deadly strike against slavery and opening the door for abolition declared by the 13th Amendment.

Important dates in Iowa:

On March 22, 2021, the City of Des Moines announced Juneteenth is now an official City holiday. City offices and buildings will be closed on June 19 or the adjacent weekday to the date. Scott Sanders, City manager stated. “We hope by commemorating this date, we can better illustrate the significance of Juneteenth and generate greater recognition throughout our community and the state.”

June 19, 2015, Iowa Public Television, known as Iowa PBS as of January 1, 2020, presented “2015 Juneteenth Jamboree” produced by PBS station KRLU of Austin, Texas which included mention of the Iowa Juneteenth Observance.

On February 26, 2015, the Iowa House of Representatives adopted House Resolution 11(HR11) which stated, in part, “Be it resolved by the House of Representatives, that the House of Representatives acknowledges the 25th Anniversary of the Iowa Juneteenth Observance and recognizes the significant role of the Iowa Juneteenth Observance in serving as cultural and historical asset to Iowa’s citizens.”

On February 23, 2015, the Iowa Juneteenth Observance transferred to the Iowa State Historical Society (Iowa Department of Cultural Affairs) articles to be included in permanent museum collection records. They are used to strengthen the Juneteenth exhibit in the State Historical Museum of Iowa.

On April 11, 2002, former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack, currently serving as the United States Secretary of Agriculture, signed into law the official observance of Juneteenth on the third Saturday in June.

Information for this year’s Juneteenth Observance is highlighted by DSM USA of the Greater Des Moines Partnership.

Enjoy.

For more blog posts from Billie Wade: www.dmpcc.org/Billie

Billie’s blog: April 2021

Terri Speirs on April 13, 2021

Getting the Hang of Hair, Part 1

by Billie Wade, guest blogger

(April 2020) — Hair is the most prominent ornamentation of the human body, a hallmark of our common humanity. Hair plays a significant role in identity and self-expression. Black people, as a collective, are proud of our hair and enjoy creating styles to showcase it. When hair gets tangled in biases and prejudices, the result is racism, bolstered by narrow, arbitrarily applied interpretations of policies and practices.

Our White-dominated culture stresses conformity regarding the behavior, dress, and speech of People of Color. We must assimilate. We are to act White and remember we are not. Through cultural appropriation, White people freely wear the styles they punish Black people for wearing.

If White people sense Black hair styles are too attractive or too expressive, they issue mandates. They use excuses the styles are distracting or dirty. One White school administrator said the hairstyles are obviously expensive and subjugate the policy of equality the school is trying to cultivate. This flimsy excuse attempts to disguise biases and profiling.

In October 2017, the manager of a Banana Republic store called nineteen-year-old Destiny Thompkins’s hairstyle “too urban and unkempt” for the company’s image. He said he could not schedule her if she did not remove her braids. The company fired him for discrimination and issued a statement about its diversity policy. Kudos to Banana Republic.

In Spring 2018, an administrator called a fourteen-year-old boy into the office because his hairstyle was “distracting.” His mother shared his story on social media prompting involvement by the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU). The school district now plans to update its twenty-six-year-old dress code.

In August 2018, school officials sent eleven-year-old Faith Fennidy home because her hairstyle violated the school’s rules and told her to not return. White administrators drafted the school’s policy about wigs, hair pieces, and extensions because they considered such styles as fads and inappropriate. Faith’s brother posted her ejection from school on social media, and her parents retained an attorney. The school later asked her to return.

In August 2018, a school turned away six-year-old first-grader C. J. Stanley when he showed up the first day wearing dreadlocks.

In December 2018, a White high school wrestling official gave Andrew Johnson an ultimatum to either cut his dreadlocks or forfeit the match. The referee did not allow him to cover his hair. He permitted someone to cut his hair and won his 120-pound wresting match. The New Jersey State Interscholastic Athletic Association (NJSIAA) organized an investigation and issued a recommendation to not assign the referee to future events until they more thoroughly reviewed the incident.

Black hair fascinates White people. They want to touch it to find out how it differs from their own. White strangers reach up and touch or stroke Black people’s hair without asking permission. It is the presumption of White privilege—White people believe they have a right to do whatever they want anytime they want to whomever they choose, without consequences. The answer to such demeaning invasion is, “No.” Violating someone’s personal space is never okay.

“Hairism” is used to further restrain Black people from equal opportunity. We must keep the dialogue going about this pervasive emotional assault on Black people. We must stand up to those who offer feeble excuses for discriminatory dress codes and policies. We must praise Black youngsters about the preciousness of their identity and its expression. Often, we must hold conversations in the media, social media, and courtrooms. So be it.

Note: Watch for Getting the Hang of Hair, Part 2 in May 2021

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For more blog posts by Billie Wade: www.dmpcc.org/Billie

Billie’s blog :: March 2021

Terri Speirs on March 16, 2021

The invisible, insidious world of biases and how it affects your life

by Billie Wade

March 2021 — Life is full of isms, labels used to describe philosophies. Many isms are hurtful, harmful, or downright dangerous. But isms are not the issue. The underlying foundations of isms are biases. They can be mistaken for values and used to govern your life, eliminating room for differences of perception and perspective.

In her TED Talk, How to Overcome our Biases?: Walk boldly toward them, Verna Myers defines biases as the stories we make up about other people before we know who they are. Biases can be rooted in truth, semi- or pseudo truth, or in nothing at all and are explicit or implicit. All people harbor biases.

Explicit biases live in your awareness. You may be vocal about your stance on issues important to you, from the death penalty to the best ketchup. You may qualify your opinions— “I have Black friends, but they shouldn’t marry outside their race; it’s too hard on the children.” That is a bias wrapped in an excuse.

Open-mindedness and compassion feel good in the moment. The instant a similar person appears in a different set of circumstances, the bias emerges unannounced, uninvited, and usually, unconsciously. Example: Complimenting the cashier whose ethnicity is different from yours on her beautiful hair or great smile changes tone when people of that ethnicity move in next door.

Implicit biases live outside your awareness. You act and speak from your cache of default responses. They are invisible to you and may or may not be visible to others and they are insidious. Example: “I don’t use those words myself. I’m just telling you what someone else said.” sounds as if you are absolved because you “monitor” your usage. The truth is: If those words come from your mouth, you use those words. Another bias wrapped in an excuse. That is the power of implicit biases.

Melanie Funchess, in her TEDx Flour City talk, Implicit Bias—how it affects us and how we push through, shares three heart-breaking scenarios, one of which was psychologically devastating, and one of which was almost fatal because biases clouded the ability of people to see the truth.

Here are some ways to recognize and address bias to get you started:

  1. Notice how you respond or react to various people and situations. How did the beliefs form? Do they hold up against proof? Are they biases or values? Be honest with yourself and own them.
  2. Ask others about your biases, then listen. Ask for examples. Write them out. Explore them.
  3. Conversations are the most effective means of forging relationships that build connections between people, especially when beliefs conflict.
  4. Research cultures different from yours. Seek out cultural centers, museums, and historical sites when you travel.
  5. Call out others when you hear or witness harmful behavior.
  6. Watch what you say and do in the presence of children. Teach your child(ren) about biases and the harm they cause others. Take your child(ren) to cultural events. Help them to become critical listeners and question the basis for what they hear and see.

Once you become aware of your biases, you are responsible for acting accordingly. As Verna Myers says, “We don’t need more good people. We need more real people.”

As we envision an equitable, just world for all people, we can look first to ourselves to determine how our beliefs and behaviors contribute to or hinder accomplishment of that vision. How we view each other and how we treat each other draw the trajectory of our future. Change begins individually. Individuals standing in solidarity create a groundswell. A groundswell makes a difference.

for more blogs by Billie: www.dmpcc.org/Billie

Billie’s blog: February 2021

Terri Speirs on February 10, 2021

An invitation to sit with your discomfort, allow it to speak to you

Billie Wade, writer

by Billie Wade, PrairieFire graduate

February 2021 – This post heralds a new dawn: addressing the cold, hard reality of racism. I use the term “dawn” to signify the raw truth that for over four hundred years, we remain at the gate of facing and reckoning with racism. Racism, fueled by hate, greed, and fear, is firmly entrenched in our country’s DNA like the pink stain in a plastic refrigerator dish after the spaghetti sauce is removed. We begin where we are, which is always a new place even if we have had a similar experience in the past. Our feelings are cumulative. It is how wisdom is earned.

Since July 2017, I have enjoyed the honor and privilege to share with you a variety of topics and my experience and perspective. As a Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center client for many years, I feel the mission, vision, and values in the environment every time I enter the doors. Now with our interactions on Zoom, those tenets continue to shine through. The Center seeks to understand the clients they serve, and to reach out to underserved demographics. With that said, I now turn my focus to the insidious organism of racism and the trauma of intergenerational Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that remains alive and thriving in 2021.

On May 30, 2020, in response to the brutal, flaunting murder of George Floyd and the attack that murdered Breonna Taylor, the Center put voice to their compassion and solidarity with the Black community. The antiracism statement on the landing page of the website announced formation of the Antiracism Learning Group*. I am delighted and humbled to cofacilitate the group with Terri Speirs, the Center’s director of community relations.

I will use several terms often in my writing. My working definitions are:

  • Racism—a system consisting of rules, laws, policies, and practices designed to disenfranchise nonwhite people. The organism systematically perpetuates the unfounded belief that Black people are inferior and, therefore, suitable for subjugation and exploitation.
  • “I, we, and Black people”—descendants of slaves brought to this country in 1619.
  • “White people”—the collective of members of the privileged race in the United States.
  • White privilege—perks given to White people because of the color of their skin.
  • Appropriation—the use by one culture of the accoutrements of another culture, particularly while forbidding the appropriated culture to enjoy those accoutrements.

Racism began when White people laid eyes on native Africans and deemed them nonhuman. They kidnapped the people and brought them to this country stripped of everything—clothing, dignity, rituals, language, spirituality, family, friends, culture, all human rights—in chains stacked like ears of corn in the holds of cargo ships. Those who died were unceremoniously thrown overboard. Upon arrival in America, families were separated, never to see each other again.

Black people face a plethora of stressors every minute of every day. We are hated, hunted, and profiled. We live in a country where Black and Brown bodies are killed on suspicion of criminality by walking on a street with our hands in our pockets. Where a “routine” traffic stop may end our life. Where laws and policies directed at oppressing us are enacted without our knowledge and input. Policies and laws enacted to support and liberate Black people are swiftly met with counter laws that cancel out the advancement. Case in point: The so-called “war on drugs” is a war on Black people. The drug war is waged only in Black communities. The shop owner called police because he suspected George Floyd may have been attempting to pass a counterfeit $20.00 bill. Why did the situation call for four officers?

The medical and mental health fields acted with remarkable swiftness to address the opioid crisis. Middle- and upper-class White women comprised the largest demographic. They were offered treatment, mental health services, and resources. Their plight was blamed on a highly addictive drug. Black people who are addicted to drugs are labeled criminals (because they are in possession of the drug), drug addicts, and morally deficient.

Some of the material may be hard for you to receive. I encourage you to try to sit with your feelings and discomfort and allow them to speak to you. The discomfort is there for a reason. “What belief is this revelation rubbing up against?” The most potent question to ask yourself is, “How can I see this differently?” If you have a spiritual aspect in your life, you can ask that Power to help you see differently. Once we know something, we can no longer ignore its existence. Then, we bump into the question, “What can I do? I’m but one person and the landscape of racism is enormous.” This appeal is not easily answered. I hope to offer you resources you can explore.

Black people in the United States exist as a “gray” caricature of two disparate societies with clashing ideals and rules. The White collective expects us to adhere to their established cultural norms but to never make the mistake of forgetting our “place” on the human hierarchy—on the sidewalk leading to the ladder, not even close.

I have spent my life trying to maintain balance between the worlds of the Black collective and the White collective. Black people accuse me of imitating White people, of trying to be White. On the other hand, White people see me as friendly and intelligent—and Black. I have been denied raises, promotions, job flexibility to return to school, and subjected to blatant lies.

Everything I share does not apply to all people in every situation. Humans are hardwired with their own set of idiosyncrasies, perspectives, and ways of receiving new information, derived from experience. I make no attempt to address all White people as racist nor all Black people into a single category. With that said, I hope you use discernment to consider the statements I offer and examine your beliefs rather than dismissing a point as “it doesn’t apply to me.”

Much has happened during the past nine months—giant corporations drafted public antiracism statements and policies and enacted procedures to follow through; ordinary citizens created book clubs and discussion groups; people backed “Black Lives Matter” with yard signs, sweaters, and other wearables; churches hung banners on their exterior walls to declare their solidarity; we elected Kamala Harris, the first female, nonwhite vice president of the United States. Black people do have allies who sincerely offer compassion and generosity of time, energy, and resources. People who listen to us, really try to hear what we are not saying as well as what we do say.

We need White people to take the time to ask what we need. We need White people to become sensitive to the intergenerational effects of PTSD. Yes, we desperately need equal opportunities for and access to education, employment, housing, medical and mental healthcare, political and governmental participation and representation, and beneficial networks. We cannot attain these human rights and privileges without help. The media exposes us to the symptoms rather than the disease. As such, I commend all of you, and everyone on the front lines of supporting Black people. Please know you are appreciated.

There remains much to do to address more than four hundred years of racism. While we can view the glimmer of hope, to exhale and say we have arrived is a mistake. A quick fix does not exist. White supremacists push back to maintain the oppression and marginalization. They wait in the background ready to pounce at a moment’s notice.

Over the next month, I challenge you to the following exercise:

  • What do I believe about Black people—not what you want to believe? Write your answers in a notebook to get them out in front of you, out into the open, where you can see them in stark reality.
  • How did I arrive at those beliefs?
  • What proof do I have as the validity of those beliefs?
  • You need share your responses as you feel comfortable. I do not recommend doing so if you feel unsafe.

May your days, weeks, and months unfold in health, safety, joy, and peace.

More from Billie’s blog: www.dmpcc.org/Billie

*If you are interested in joining the anti-racism learning group, please email tspeirs@mindspiritcenter.org

Billie’s blog: Celebrate What’s Important in 2021: You!

Terri Speirs on January 20, 2021

by Billie Wade

January 2021 — I recall attaining a major goal and the urge to run into the street screaming and flailing my arms. Fortunately, reality tapped me on the shoulder immediately. Achievement feels good and even more so when someone acknowledges our effort. Recognition gives us the energy and enthusiasm of boosted self-confidence for the next step of the journey. And away we go, having lunged into our goal or milestone, we are off to the next without so much as checking to see if our shoelaces are still tied. Over time we wear down, feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, and ineffective. The “new and exciting” activities of going after our vision become tedious chores. We ask ourselves, “Why am I doing this? It’s all so pointless. Nobody else will even care.” Mistakes, inevitable though they are, become shrouds of failure. When we live with one or more mental health diagnoses, both the pleasant and the unpleasant of successful living may bat us back and forth like a ping pong ball. One way to help ease the anxiety and balance our experiences is self-celebration.

Self-celebration gets you off the gerbil wheel for a while. You exhale the tension of focused striving. You catch your breath and let it come naturally. You inhale the next breath for strength to grab the baton and begin the next leg of the journey. With that new, raw energy comes increased belief in yourself and what you are setting out to do. When you celebrate yourself—who you are, what you have endured, your achievements, and what you have overcome—you make a profound statement to yourself that you are valuable unconditionally because of your existence. Celebration sets you up for an amazing range of feelings and physical responses. Joy. Delight. Awe. Wonder. Giggles. Laughter. Grins. Smirks. Amusement. And even eye rolling. People who are particularly body-sensitive may feel their body “laughing or singing, or other sensations.”

Self-celebration makes you your Number One Fan. You are a priceless synergy of traits, skills, and wisdom. Your unique quirkiness makes you who you are. You enrich the world with all you do. When you are joyful, you infuse your life with magnetic cheer, and you spread it to those around you. Joy is free. Joy is contagious. Joy is an expression of profound gratitude. Abilities are common in three forms: innate, learned through deliberate study, and acquired through experience—think of the wisdom and insight you have gained in the School of Life. Ironically, your most emotionally painful experiences contain the richest wisdom. They illuminate your courage, resourcefulness, and resilience, Celebrate them.

Early on in self-celebration you may worry about sounding arrogant and unappreciative. You may have learned, as I did, at a young age bragging is a bad practice to start, so bad you could get “the look” or dispatched upstairs to clean your room. However, when you embark on a new endeavor which requires the approval of others, you receive a set of “have tos. ”You have to sell yourself. You have to toot your own horn. You have to convince ‘them’ you are the best.” These instructions, while meant to encourage you, can confuse you about when you can be proud of yourself and when it is not a good idea.

When sharing your good news invite others in by leading with your feelings, such as, “I have great news to share with you,” or “I am so happy. I can hardly wait to tell you…” or “I did it! I finally made it. ”Share the spotlight if someone helped you. Consider the people you trust. You may need to share with different people in a revved up or subdued manner. If your sister is your number one fan, pour on the exuberance. If your neighbor frowns on everything you do, approach sharing the news with a little caution, if telling the person is necessary.

So, what do you do? First, remember you are the ONLY person with you 24/7. So, you are the only person who truly knows the intensity of your efforts. Waiting for someone else to congratulate you may take a long time, or not come at all. While this can be hurtful, you can celebrate yourself and even invite others to join you. Get ready for self-celebration by engaging a conscious awareness of activities you enjoy and/or do well and your achievements. I have a running list of my accomplishments to which I add as needed. The notebook pages are made from stone paper—that’s right, paper made from stone! I titled the notebook “Etched in Stone” to help me remember my ability to contribute to my dreams and to the world in which I live. Self-celebration is a gift to yourself you can enjoy regardless of the presence of others.

Sometimes, you may have to shut down the critical voices yammering at you whether the person(s) is(are) sitting in the same room with you or the voice is from a memory. If self-celebration is daunting for you, talk to someone you trust—therapist, primary care provider, religious leader, spiritual director, friend, or family member. Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center is here for you. Clinicians offering a vast array of support and guidance welcome you. To begin your journey toward healing, click here. See my article, “How To Choose A Therapist” (August, 2020)

I usually emphasize that a fancy journal is unnecessary. For self-celebration, however, I encourage you to find a journal that makes you smile and want to snuggle or that makes you feel powerful. It does not matter if you purchase your journal at a dollar store or at a bookstore in the mall. Or, if you are crafty, create a journal and embellish the cover and give your journal a name or title. The importance is in how the journal makes you feel each time you write. Stock up on colorful ink pens, pencils, and highlighters, and glitter. Use whatever color fits your mood at the time or color-code your entries.

Several years ago, I bought a charming journal based entirely on its visual appeal: a top-down image of a dragonfly set against a multi-color background. The nubby-textured brown-gray cover welcomed the dragonfly in without swallowing it. I liked the satiny feel of the muted green-grey pages, with a dragonfly in an upper corner of each page, perfect for brown ink. If you have not tried brown ink, I encourage you to do so. The journal lay in a drawer with other to-be-used-one-of-these-days companions while I waited for the “perfect” theme, that moment of worthiness of such a delightful book.

On June 9, 2020, I wrote the first entry: to dedicate my Dragonfly Journal to my emotional health and evolution. I claimed my dignity as a human being, proud of my abilities, innate as well as learned. I declared my intention to write only good stuff—Gifts of the Day, affirmations, mantras. Envision gratitude on steroids with lots of friends. All entries are positive words. Such as, “I safely arrived to and from all my destinations today,” rather than, “I didn’t have any traffic or shopping problems.” This was a bit tricky at first. The exercise helped me redefine my experiences and self-messages. I had to create a new vocabulary.

Here are some tips for Celebrating Wonderful You every day.

  • Use your celebration journal ONLY for the good stuff—unexpected acts of generosity, great parking spaces, getting home fifteen minutes before the thunderstorm rumbled overhead, a medical appointment with good news. Use your regular journal for working through experiences, problem-solving, and exploring your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
  • Write a list of everything you do well or love doing—from “I like the way I fold bath towels to I am an accomplished, respected astrophysicist with twenty years of experience”. Or, perhaps, you were present for a friend or completed an intense training. Be sure to number them so you can see the magnitude of your achievements, in quality as well as quantity.
  • Pause at least ten seconds between each item—set a timer if necessary—and sink into the pleasure of the moment.
  • Write just enough description that you will fully recall the experience when you reread the entry.
  • Each day, write at least one entry that expresses a minimum of five Gifts of the Day–more powerful than “Things I’m grateful for.” You will have so many Gifts on some days, remembering them all will be a challenge. That’s a good thing, a very good thing. Carry a small notebook with you always.
  • Use your social media or videoconferencing platform if you deem it appropriate.
  • If you have a videoconferencing account open a meeting and host a one-on-one session with yourself, with or without the video feature on.
  • Celebrate yourself as often as you want, anytime, anywhere. You do not have to say a word out loud, but I encourage you to do so. Hearing praise directed at you in your own voice can be quite powerful. Record it on your phone or computer and replay it whenever you need a boost
  • Celebrate your achievement repeatedly for as long as you like—just a smile is a celebration, an affirmation, a statement of enjoyment, about yourself. Sometimes, an inner smile is all you need.
  • Apply the wisdom of reaching your goal to the rest of your life.
  • Revisit your entries when you need a boost of confidence and say, “Wow, I rock!”

We continually seek meaning and fulfillment from our experiences. The achieving can sometimes overshadow the achievement. When we take time to be mindful and appreciative of the journey on our way to the destination, we invite meaning and fulfillment into the doing, which slows down the frenetic pace and sets us on a path of discovery as we achieve. In this respect, the journey is the goal as much as the destination. We do not have to be shy or embarrassed about who we are and what we do to live our life in fullness and contribute to the world in which we live, whatever that looks like for each of us.

Achieve. Enjoy. Celebrate. Repeat.

Billie’s blog index: www.dmpcc.org/Billie

A different approach to the holidays

Allison Peet on November 9, 2020

Billie Wade, writer

November traditionally kicks off the holiday season for many people. Preparation for the Big Three holidays—Thanksgiving; Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa; and, New Year’s Eve—sometimes begins in August. The time brings together a massive celebration of hope for the new year. We breathe a collective sigh as the current year approaches extinction. This year has presented us with unique challenges for which none of us could have prepared. Sheltering-in-place has been both a bane and an opportunity. As this year progressed, we found ourselves more and more uncertain as several major occurrences converged. But life is always uncertain, always has been, always will be. Only now, it seems, the stakes are higher and the stress more intense. COVID-19 and the resultant fallout, racial tension, political stress, wildfires, floods, and hurricanes add to the strain of everyday living. Those in northern parts of the country may or may not be looking forward to this year’s snowfall and yet more time indoors. Our foray into the holidays this year may take on a different meaning, one of deeper reflection and introspection. Gratitude may be a balm to us or may be difficult to grasp.

Fall and winter are notorious for increasing our mental health symptoms. Long nights of darkness turn into short days which unfold in slow motion. The holidays have a way of magnifying loneliness, depression, anxiety, and addictions. In my October 2020 article, I discussed SAD (seasonal affective disorder) which complicates other mental health symptoms. A report by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) states: Symptoms of anxiety disorder and depressive disorder increased considerably in the United States during April–June of 2020, compared with the same period in 2019. Their report includes sobering statistics of the effects of COVID-19 on these and other mental health distress—domestic violence, suicide, and alcohol and drug use. You can read the entire report here.

Gauge your situation with great care and reach out when you need to. Watch for signs and symptoms in friends and loved ones and enlist help if necessary. Click here to schedule an appointment with the Center. 

Many of you know I am an avid journaler and maintain a daily practice of written gratitude, reflection, introspection, and exploration. You may not know I am an introvert albeit a gregarious one. I can spend several hours with individuals or groups of fewer than five people. However, I can tolerate chitchatting in groups of more than five people for periods of about two hours, longer if we are focused on a topic or activity, such as a class. Then, I must return to the sanctuary of my home to recharge and reset. So, the COVID-19 restrictions have been less difficult for me than for some of my friends, and I suspect, for some of you.

At first the idea of self-isolation excited me. I was almost giddy as I thought about how much time I would save in driving time, finding a parking space, dealing with traffic, inclement weather, gas. (Imagine gleeful emoji here.) Then, reality set in. Other activities swallowed the hours of travel time I saved. Whether I am, in fact, more productive is debatable. Somehow, I seem to be busier than before, a sentiment echoed by some of my friends. Zoom appointments consume much of my time, sometimes four meetings in one day. That recognition is not a complaint, but rather a statement of gratitude for videoconferencing that allows me to continue connecting with others. I love everything I do, and I enjoy working with an expanding circle of incredible people. Conclusion: Zoom is a good thing. The most popular platforms I know of are Zoom, Google Meet, and Facetime (Apple)—there may be more.

At first, self-quarantining offered many opportunities for getting stuff done—clean out the garage, organize the photo album, read from our growing stack of books we planned to get to someday, try new recipes. Many of us took up new hobbies or revisited activities we had laid aside as life took over. Confined to our homes with ourselves, we may have bumped into latent thoughts and feelings we had relegated to our subconscious years ago. We suddenly faced ourselves. This time is an invitation to acknowledge and honor our grief and to express gratitude during this year. We look toward January with hope for a “new and improved” upcoming year. It also is a call to commit to ourselves with intention what we want, where we want to go, who we want to be and create a plan to get there.

Our most powerful tools may be acceptance and action. We look at ourselves, our circumstances, our relationships, and the world at large and acknowledge that what we see may not be what we want but that it is, if we are honest, what we face. Having named the reality, we can move forward. Next, we ask, “What can I do now?” The answer may surprise you. It may be different than writing letters, participating in protests, posting on social media, or organizing a book club, although all are excellent endeavors. However, those actions are not suitable for everyone. Sometimes, the best we can do is self-care and that is more than enough. We look for ways to become peaceful within ourselves. Enhancing or increasing spiritual practices can be of enormous benefit to some people.

Then, we create a plan, any plan. Call it a vision. Call it a daydream. Call it wishful thinking. Call it an honest yearning of your heart. Give yourself more than a cursory, “I want to lose twenty pounds next year,” or “I want to save $x a month,” or “I promise to read a book a week.” These are great desires especially because they are specific and measurable. But, too often, we approach them without much thought. They become yet another defunct resolution. Think about what you need to transform your life into a self-celebration. Think about what brings you indescribable serenity. Think about the messages you recite when you communicate with yourself. Think of what brings you joy. Think of what nurtures and soothes you. Perhaps what you need is a bowl of oatmeal, a slice of toast, and a glass of orange juice.

Here are some tips for creating and executing a doable plan. (Please keep in mind some thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and patterns can be deep-seated messages we have carried a long time—even decades—and may require focused effort and patience  and, possible professional mental health support to accomplish or to heal.)

  1. Write what you want with crystal clear clarity. Try to avoid “walk more often” in favor of “walk twenty minutes every morning before work.”
  2. Think about why this is important to you. It may be murky at first. Record all your related thoughts.
  3. Define what do you need to make it happen. List every detail, then organize them into steps. Index cards are handy for this.
  4. Determine whether you need help
  5. For a list of activities to consider, see my posts: 23 Tips to Get Through the Holidays – November 2017, 23 Tips to Get Through the Holidays – November 2018, and 2019 Holiday Survival Guide – November 2019.
  6. This plan is flexible, making it doable for just about everyone. Do as much or as little as works for you. Revise and experiment and adapt.
  7. That’s it! Go for it! Celebrate the result!

Resolutions to current stressors are neither easy nor swift. Getting through this time is tough for all of us. We can take comfort in knowing we are not alone. Globally, the pandemic virtually every country. Nationally, we also grapple with myriad domestic issues. Regionally, we face natural disasters. From our states to our communities, additional problems arise. There are ways to reach out, to soothe ourselves and each other, to hold the Light of Hope lightly in our awareness, to breathe, just breathe.

Be well. Be safe. Be at peace. Cultivate joy. Wear your mask.

Billie

Freedom to Choose Our Attitude

Allison Peet on July 13, 2020

Billie Wade, writer

July is the month many Americans celebrate freedom. People fly the American flag, host cookouts, and shoot fireworks. But there is more to freedom than burgers and a day off work. Freedom is a choice and a responsibility. While others may protect us from myriad harms—physical, mental and emotional, financial, spiritual, and environmental—we are responsible for our attitude, our inner acceptance or rejection of our experiences. Our attitude is one possession no one can take from us. It is one of the few things in life we can control twenty-four/seven. This means we always have an opportunity to decide our attitude.

When was the last time someone said to you, “You have such a great attitude after all you’ve been through. You inspire me.”; “You need to do something about your attitude.” We then receive a barrage of ways to “adjust” our attitude. “Look at the bright side.” “Think about what happened to me; that was even worse.” “Stop complaining and think about someone else for a change.” We tried to think and behave differently out of guilt, shame, coercion, or fear. But our real feelings and the resulting attitude did not change.

Before I proceed, I want to emphasize that all feelings are valid. They are based on our interpretation of an experience. They tell us when we have been validated and when we have been violated. Our attitude and actions based on those feelings are a matter of choice. Our words, gestures, and behaviors may illuminate more accurately who we really are and our opinions and feelings. When we are in acute emotional distress our attitude is strongest, although subconsciously, and we may speak or behave in ways we later regret. The words and actions we engage in a heated moment may reveal our true feelings about a situation.

So, what is attitude? Where did it come from? What does it do? Attitude is the outcome, the result of our interpretation of all we experience, read, observe, and hear. Our interpretations form a set of beliefs as our thoughts solidify our feelings about a person, thing, idea, or experience. Repetition cements those beliefs and feelings as our repeated experience yields the same or similar result. It begins in early childhood, the first time we taste peas or hear a word from our parents and later, when we repeat it, find out it is a “bad” word. Our interpretation had been that the word was appropriate because our parents said it.

Our life unfolded as we grew, and we received more messages in various forms as indicated above. Our experiences now included classmates, teachers, the media, religious experiences, bosses, colleagues and coworkers, subordinates, social relationships, and a host of casual contacts with others. As we develop attitudes we do so with judgment—looking at a situation with sensitivity and compassion or with blame and hatred. The former frees us to take action to benefit a situation. The latter hinders our ability to recognize the truth. Across our lifespan, attitudes are affirmed, changed, abandoned, or denied. Some attitudes are harder to change than others. And, our attitudes run across a continuum from mild to intense, depending on the situation and the importance it has in our life.

At first, the freedom to choose our attitude sounds like blaming the victim. We are told, “That’s just the way she is. Don’t waste your time thinking about it.”; “His opinions of you aren’t your truth. Just ignore him.”; “Don’t make matters worse. Be the better person and move on.” As children, many of us recited the snarky adage, “Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” The truth is words are powerful and the stronger the emotional investment we have into the person in our life, the more devastating their words can be. We invest a lot of ourselves into our relationships, from our early caregivers to every relationship thereafter. The attitudes of others toward us can manifest in hurtful words and deeds of physical, verbal, emotional, or spiritual abuse from which many of us never recover.

Sometimes emotional pain is so intense and so deep that looking at the experience with renewed vision may be impossible. Treat yourself with the comforting of self-compassion. Use the “Self-Compassion Break” by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. which I included in last month’s column. Talk to someone you trust—mental health professional, religious leader, spiritual director, or a close relative or friend. The therapists and counselors of Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center will walk your journey with you and support you as you explore your life’s events. You can schedule an appointment with the Center here.

When I am in crisis mode, I forget I have a choice about my attitude. At those times, the thought that I can choose my attitude frustrates me. I want relief from my searing emotions. I want the other people to change. I equate the responsibility as an admonition that my current attitude is unacceptable, and neither am I as a person. I see the suggestion as a personal assault. Attitude adjustment and choosing my attitude mean giving up my freedom of perception and perspective, an infringement on my personhood. I think it compromises my right to feel. I think I am acquiescing to blind acceptance of the situation. The reality is my current attitude may not only not contribute to the solution but also may make me feel worse by robbing me of peace of mind.

However, I must take care to not try to manipulate my attitude as a form of resignation and people-pleasing, giving in to something I do not want or is not good for me. When I am violated my attitude is valid. Sometimes, so-called “bad” attitudes are seen as such by people who want us to continue to live with their abuse of us. Anger is a relatively new feeling for me, and it empowers me to self-advocate. Please know that when someone tries to force you change your attitude for their gratification, you have every right to maintain your position, always in consideration of your safety. Caution: The tightrope here is the line between our desire to maintain a judgmental and hurtful set of beliefs, thoughts, and attitudes, or admit our misperceptions, and commit ourselves to compassion, unity, and peace.

Changing our attitude does not guarantee our lives will enter a state of perpetual rosiness. Nor will we feel positive all the time. The lens of kindness does not mean we allow harmful situations to continue. Attitudes often develop over time, so they may take to time to transform. The outcome of any given situation is unknown until it is revealed. We still may not like the result. The decisions and behavior of everyone involved influence the direction of the relationship. Our new attitude, however, promotes independence and resilience when future situations flare up. It undergirds our desire to live with authenticity.

Genuine attitude adjustment requires soul-searching, honesty, and courage. Think of choosing your attitude as an act of self-compassion and self-care. Acknowledge and express the feelings as fully and appropriately as possible. The key and first step in attitude transformation are to ask, “How can I see this differently?” To look at a long-held belief and the resultant attitude means exploring the roots of the belief and how it fits, or not, into your life now. Does it represent what you really feel? Is it in line with your values? Does it cause harm to you or to someone else, whether that harm is physical, financial, or otherwise? Then ask, “What do I want to do about this situation? What are my options?” With whom can I collaborate?’ Our attitude leads us into action or inaction.

There is freedom in choosing our attitude. We get to say what is okay in our life and what is not. We decide how to approach situations. Our freedom lies in our ability to be honest with ourselves with full recognition of and respect for the role of others in the encounter. We acknowledge, sometimes with great difficulty, the feelings and attitudes of other people. Dialogue and interaction can be instrumental in the process of attitudinal change.

I have said before that when I rely only on my perceptions without consideration of the other person, I am wrong one hundred percent of the time. I challenge all of us to explore our minds and hearts with intention to discover our misperceptions and seek out ways to learn the truth. Reach out to people different from you. Ask questions. View everyone as a learning opportunity. Enjoy the new life you create for yourself by the education you gain from others.

 

For more blogs by Billie, click here

Acceptance

Allison Peet on June 15, 2020

Billie Wade, writer

Acceptance is the challenge of the day. There is no question about the widespread instability in our country and in ourselves. COVID-19 completely altered the world in less than six months. Weeks of quarantine and a complete upheaval of everything we knew life to be forced unprecedented changes in how we live and work. Our collective stress from fear and uncertainty has run high. As we continued to reel from the silent, invisible, unpredictable disease, we experienced the horrific murder of George Floyd in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Whether we are talking about the loss of a loved one or loss of our living standards, the global pandemic, or the graphic vision of watching a man die, our path to acceptance is deeply personal. Our global experience affects us deeply at a personal level. Like those of most people, my senses are overwhelmed. Many of us are in emotional stun mode. While everyone’s needs during this time are unique, we do share some commonalities. A certain amount of acceptance is necessary if we are to develop real solutions.

Acceptance is one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp, ranking up there with its siblings, surrender and forgiveness. These elements are at the end of the grief process, which I wrote about in the September, 2017 issue. I have a decades-long rocky relationship with acceptance. Life’s vagaries, especially abuses by human beings, baffle me. I do not want to accept the reality of an event that hurts me, usually in many ways. I want an end to the pain. The replay of the event plays incessantly in my mind. I get frustrated, angry, and disgruntled because the pain does not go away in my time frame, or at all. Some experiences produce so much trauma that we may be affected by them the rest of our lives. PTSD is born. Acceptance rolls into surrender, then into forgiveness and peace. But I fear acceptance will take away my recognition that the situation is not okay, leading me to shamefully excuse abusive deeds. I experience defeat and hopelessness that arise from feeling an inability stop the transgression or to protect myself or those I care about. My next move is to back off from seeking a solution and succumb to resignation.

Acceptance is looking at the reality of the situation’s existence with strength to seek options. When I accept the situation as a statement of fact, I receive the peace of clarity and, sometimes, resolution and closure. I can breathe again. The grief, the resentment, the despair, the anguish, the doubt, the fear of the next moment fade, even if only for a short time. I then know what peace feels like and can draw upon that feeling later. I find the good that emerged from the event or situation and express gratitude for those moments. I look for options and ways I can contribute to a healing solution with renewed conviction, strength, and confidence. I make plans and take actions to address the problem(s) created by the hurtful deed(s). I enlist the assistance of others. The experience taught me, once again, that I have another layer of resilience. I am empowered to fashion an approach with the gentleness of compassion for all involved. Acceptance comes in layers rather than all at once. It cannot be forced or rushed. We need plateaus between the layers, so we can rest and integrate what we have learned.

Many years ago, I adopted the Serenity Prayer as my personal mantra because the first tenet is to “accept the things I cannot change.” This means seeing an experience as though watching a video such as, “The reality is that I cannot change today’s temperature of 84 degrees.” But, I can wear light clothing when I go outdoors. Acceptance does not equal inaction or not holding people accountable. Acceptance acknowledges a statement of fact. Acceptance offers opportunities to look at the systemic factors in place and explore options for developing strategies and collaborating with others, including adversaries as well as allies.

Acceptance is hard, particularly when we are at the beginning of a situation. Separating the situation from our desire for a particular outcome seems daunting. Our attempts to mitigate or eliminate our reality brings on more pain.

Self-compassion helps us embrace and express our feelings in ways that do not harm ourselves or others. Do not try to force yourself to accept before you are ready. Embrace your feelings in all their forms and intensity. Find safe people and safe ways to nurture yourself during this time. Our feelings, whatever they are, even if they fluctuate from moment to moment are real and valid. Take care of yourself as much as possible. Stick to your daily routine and rest when you need to. Schedule time in your day or evening, if only for one to five minutes, for introspection and reflection to assess your present-moment feelings. Ask for help. Contact the Center here. Journal your feelings. Draw or paint or color. Here is a link to Kristen Neff, Ph.D.’s Self-Compassion Break.  Adapt and mold the exercise to accommodate your circumstances.

Look for the good in the situation or that arises from it. I am amazed by the outpouring of kindness, support, encouragement, and helpfulness of the past two weeks; indeed, since February when the gravity of COVID-19 became evident. I send a lot of emails to people who do not even know me but affect me by offering support on their website. I am validated and grateful. So often, tragedy shows us the best side of people.

In closing, the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr comes to mind: Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference. Acceptance offers opportunities to make a difference by changing the things we can, first within ourselves and then sharing our transformation with others.

The challenges of the coming days, weeks, months, and possibly years will call upon all of us to participate as we can in the global well-being. Please know that whatever you do, you are contributing. All of us need all of us.

Be well. Be safe. Be at peace.

How Self-Compassion Sets Us on a Path of Freedom

Billie Wade on March 11, 2020

Many of us understand compassion—empathy, kindness, gentleness, comforting, and open-heartedness. We often show compassion and caring for others who are suffering yet hesitate when we consider it for ourselves. We may be confused about what self-compassion is, the benefits, how to apply it to our life, or have some misgivings about side effects.

Self-compassion is difficult for me. The process encourages me to view mistakes, failures, shortcomings, and imperfections through the lens of benevolence and gentleness toward myself. My usual reaction to adversity is humiliation and defeat because I believe I did not try hard enough, discounting how much time, energy, emotional investment, and whole-hearted passion I infused into the project. Thoughts and beliefs that tell me I am inadequate as a human being fill my mind. Mistakes, failures, and shortcomings glow with a blinding intensity and pile onto an already enormous heap. Depression and anxiety symptoms increase and my sense of self-worth plummets. When I say words of solace to myself, they sound abrasive and insincere. They are hard to hear in my voice. When other people offer words of compassion, they affirm they are attentive and care about me, connect with me, and give me permission to engage with and express my feelings even if their support is unspoken. Self-compassion offers me the gift of giving that same kindness, gentleness, and support to myself, as I give to others when they are hurting.

Self-compassion is not letting ourselves off the hook nor is it ignoring or discounting the situation or looking on the bright side of things. Rather, it means we acknowledge the reality of the situation and recognize all humans experience disappointments and make mistakes. It does not mean we wallow in self-pity which keeps us stuck in our pain. Instead, we free ourselves to acknowledge the full range of our emotional distress and express it safely. Self-compassion does not take away our want and need to act. Rather, it equips us with knowledge and insight that help us move forward. We look for the lesson in the disappointment, failure, or shortcoming and change what we can. Our plight becomes clear and options arise.

Self-compassion does not foster narcissistic ideas and behaviors. We do not get into the rumination loop that awfulizes our experience. Self-compassion acknowledges our vulnerability and our human propensity to make mistakes and experience the sting of misfortune. We neither elevate ourselves with words of grandiosity nor do we demean ourselves with words of judgment.

Testament to our common humanity, we are all subject to the inevitable unpredictability of life. We all have disappointments, mistakes, failures, shortcomings, and characteristics we wish we could change. Self-compassion helps us see those elements through eyes of kindness and gentleness and comforting, like draping a beloved blanket or quilt over our lap rather than punishing ourselves with judgment. With the necessary element of mindfulness, we view the reality of our circumstance without further emotional harm. Our thoughts do not take over our mind; we regulate our thoughts.

When we are unaccustomed to self-nurturing, our attempts to override ingrained beliefs may give us senses of coddling or untruth. Self-doubt may arise and tell us we are in delusion or denial. Hurtful messages about us whether they come from others or from ourselves, may make the initial practice of self-compassion awkward. Failures and conclusions of inadequacy seem too big and impossible to overcome. I counter supportive messages with words of self-doubt such as, “Yeah, right,” in a condescending tone. Old, ingrained messages die hard. Realizing the benefits of self-compassion takes practice. As we become more accustomed to the words we need for relief, we can conduct a self-compassion exercise anywhere, anytime, in a matter of seconds.

So, how do we practice self-compassion? In whatever way works for us. My practice invites me to:

  1. Recognize I am experiencing a hurtful situation.
  2. Acknowledge the pain as genuine and honor and safely express my feelings.
  3. Remember that I am human and all humans experience difficulties, setbacks, disappointments, mistakes, and shortcomings.
  4. Ask myself what I need. What words do I need to comfort me? Sometimes, I need stillness and solitude. Other times, I need the kind words I would say to a friend. Or, I may need to journal. I can say reassurances such as, “I care about you and will be here as you face this situation”; “This is frightening, but I know we can get through this.” (I use the term “we” to let my inner self know I support her.); “May I be safe, may I be well, may I be at peace.” I work to send messages of well wishes to everyone involved. While not always easy, the practice can bring relief and tranquility.
  5. In my new peaceful state, I can assess the situation and my position and work toward resolution whether that means solving the problem, coming to an understanding, gaining clarity, or extricating myself.
  6. Another tip is self-touch: gently stroke the back of your hand or forearm. The warmth of your touch can soothe you.

Self-compassion melds acknowledgment and safe expression of our pain, recognition of our common humanity, and mindfulness toward approaching our experience with kindness and tenderness. We support of ourselves with the same caring we share with others. Our suffering diminishes in frequency, intensity, and duration. Serenity, joy, and resilience enter our lives.

May you be well. May you be safe. May you be at peace.

For more of Billie’s blogs, click HERE.

Billie Wade, writer

Self-Awareness: Your Key to a Conscious Life

Billie Wade on February 18, 2020

Billie Wade, writer

Self-awareness is our perception of ourselves and our relationship with the rest of the world. We are more open and intimate with some people than we are with others. We make decisions, often without thinking. The same mistakes or habits recur, sending us into a tailspin of self-recrimination. Self-awareness places us in a better position to find problems and solutions. When we improve our self-awareness, we make conscious decisions, monitor behavior, and lead a life of genuineness and integrity.

Self-awareness fascinates me. I am innately and profoundly drawn to explore human development, mine and others. My family discouraged feelings, whether happy or sad. I learned to stifle my feelings and muffle their expression. Self-defeating behaviors held my feelings in check. Over time, I lost touch with my feelings which resulted in dire consequences. Through years of journaling and counseling, I thought my self-awareness and sense of self were rather good. But each time I take a deeper look within, more evidence reveals that much remains for me to learn. I engage in beliefs and behaviors that annoy me and defy my best efforts to eradicate them. Some have been with me many years. And, so it goes with most people. We all have habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies we want to change or eliminate.

I identified basic feelings when I joined a Twelve-step group in my early forties. There, people talked discussed sad, angry, scared, hurt, guilty, embarrassed, ashamed. They focused on the harm done to them by others and how those experiences shaped their self-awareness. Several years later I began to look at my responsibility for the decisions I made and the ways I tried to cope with emotional distress. When I ventured into the recesses of my “dark” side, I found beliefs, feelings, attitudes, and intentions of which I had been unconscious. Now, deep introspection helps me clarify what I need and how I want to experience my existence. Insights unfold for me to examine and embrace.

The process of self-awareness is an ever-evolving essential guide to how we live, and interact with others, and respond to stressful circumstances. Gaining insight into our inner life is a process of personal growth and development—mental, emotional, spiritual, social and physical. We take an honest, nonjudgmental look at our needs, desires, successes, failures, losses, strengths, and limitations. Our characteristics and attributes reveal themselves. Self-awareness helps us answer questions such as “Why do I keep doing this?” Whole billion-dollar industries are built on weight loss and financial independence. Many diets and wealth-building strategies fail because they do not address the deeply entrenched feelings and beliefs. The answers lie in our subconscious mind.

The introspection that leads to self-awareness is not an easy or simple task. Facing ourselves demands willingness, honesty, tenacity, and a healthy dose of courage. We may be led into places we do not want to go. Self-examination may be an emotionally stressful trek through buried memories. We may have avoided parts of our life because they are painful or shameful. The journey into the unknown can be frightening. When we encounter difficult memories or feelings, self-compassion is foremost and crucial. This does not mean we make excuses for ourselves or others. Rather, we listen to ourselves without judgment and censoring even as we may feel the full brunt of the suppressed feelings. We discuss our plan with someone we trust to support our effort. That person can support you as you explore your internal landscape. Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center clinical staff are skilled in assisting clients on their path of healing and wholeness; click here to get started. The revelations are worth the journey. We learn how we developed a shield to protect ourselves from emotional distress. Change can be difficult but cannot happen if we are unaware of the problem and how it formed.

But, how can we cultivate self-awareness? We start by asking deep reflective questions relating to who we are, what we want, and how we react to others. Several years ago, I created a list of questions to ask myself, and I have added to the list since then. “What fascinates me?” “What about life am I questioning?” “What does healthy mean to me?” My list has grown to fifty-four questions which I sometimes use as journaling prompts. You can ask these questions in your journaling, counseling, and spiritual practice. Or, you may choose to delve into an emotionally charged situation. It is common for initial questions to lead deeper, more challenging questions. In time, you learn that you will be okay, and the experience has set you on a path of transformation. Introspection is quite possibly the most powerful journey you will undertake. Solutions to problems may emerge as you discover your ability to manage circumstances that formerly baffled you.

A ritual I use for self-exploration can be adapted to your needs and comfort:

  • Approach your journey into self-awareness in small steps. What are you looking for in a particular event? What are you looking for—peace, comforting, insight, clarity, relief?
  • Get physically comfortable where you will not be interrupted or distracted;
  • Set the mood, if you like, with music, candles, or incense;
  • Read an inspiring quote or passage from a book or sacred text;
  • Make a list of questions you want to explore or, chose a question from an existing list;
  • Set a timer for 5-10 minutes, if you choose, and allow yourself to relax into the quiet;
  • Let the question sink into your subconscious;
  • Try to allow the insight or epiphany to arise without judgment or emotional engagement;
  • When you are ready, write your insights without regard to punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.’
  • Review your writing to find the golden nuggets of wisdom that surfaced;
  • Give yourself time to let the revelation develop;
  • Connect with the person you trust;
  • Begin to take small steps to integrate the lesson or message into your life.

You can now decide how you want to move forward with your discovery. Consider how the change will impact your life for the better for you and the people important to you. Consider who can help you continue your journey of self-discovery as your self-awareness grows. Allow your newly acquired transformation to unfold gradually. It takes as long as it takes. Recently, I explored an emotionally traumatic series of events that defined my life for many years. While self-assessment is difficult, I experienced clarity and peace with what happened.

Self-awareness determines how we perceive ourselves and others and the events that inform our lives. Situations and the level of intimacy we have with others depend on our interpretation of happened or is happening. As we bravely explore our beliefs, feelings, and behaviors, we discover who we really are and ways to better manage our lives. We become our best friend.

May your journey of self-discovery lead you into truth, clarity, joy, and peace.

 

To read more of Billie’s blogs, CLICK HERE.