Got Gratitude?

Billie Wade on October 8, 2018

Gratitude used interchangeably with appreciation and thankfulness, lets us experience life in all its colorful richness and fullness. There are many definitions of gratitude as people attempt to grasp its meaning in their lives. Gratitude is, among other things, a deep-seated feeling of satisfaction within each of us that recognizes the beauty and grace in our lives.

Gratitude lets us see the glass as half full under a running faucet of plenty. “Thank you” are two words that can transform your life whether you are communicating with people or the Divine Presence in your life. Gratitude ushers in a sense of peace, builds a sense of connection, creates a sense that we will be okay, and expands and deepens us even if we only touch it briefly. It happens when we don’t take the people and our circumstances for granted.

As my cancer story unfolded, I became acutely aware that I had much for which to be grateful. I found the tumor early, and it was small. The lumpectomy was uneventful. I had no post-surgical pain. The “cell margins” and lymph nodes were clear, indicators that the tumor had not metastasized. I did not require chemotherapy. Friends brought food and transported me to all thirty-three radiation treatments. Two of my friends took me into their home for several days following surgery. Gratitude, helping me see what could have happened but did not, showing me the profound good of everyone who attended to me, giving me an ever-expanding sense of relief, brought me many smiles and a lot of laughter. I am not grateful for cancer invading my body, but I am quite grateful for the outcome that followed. I am grateful for all the medical professionals who treated me with respect and dignity and answered all my questions. I am grateful for the prayers of friends.

Gratitude is easy to practice and often takes virtually no time to express. “Thank you” takes only a couple of seconds. And, of course, fervent, focused, and detailed expressions of gratitude are always in order. You can express gratitude out loud, silently, by phone, face to face, text, voicemail, email, card, letter, Facebook, Twitter, Skype, or even a sky-writing plane. Expressing gratitude is a joyful outpouring of recognition for the goodness and grace of life.

Sometimes, gratitude is difficult. Gratitude is not a panacea, a quick fix, or a cure-all for pain. Be wary of sentences spoken by others or in our mind that begin with a terse, “You ought to be grateful that…” We will not always feel grateful for the pain, emotional and physical, in our lives. We may not find the nugget of gold in a painful situation, or it may take a very long time. When gratitude is hard, the best recourse may be using our coping skills and mechanisms: counseling, journaling, supportive and trusted friends and family members, prayer and medication if those practices are useful, leaning on our spiritual foundation.

Gratitude does not mean we never feel angry or scared or frustrated or annoyed or lonely. It does not mean that we stop trying to live our best life through continuous learning and evolution. We can express gratitude for what we have while striving for self-development or improved circumstances. For example, we may say, “I’m grateful to be employed, and I’m looking for a more fulfilling, higher-paying job.

To begin a practice of gratitude, take a few moments through your day to notice a favorable situation, good news, or a kindness. Be grateful for uneventful days and positive outcomes, recognizing that some situations could have been much worse.

Here are fifteen ways to bring more gratitude into your life:

  • Take moments throughout your day to notice the good happening in your life and around you. Perhaps you find a dollar bill on the sidewalk or a parking meter with time on it.
  • Every day at bedtime, take time to reflect on your day, and write three things you are thankful for and why. Then write three things that happened during the day that brought you peace, relief, pleasure, or joy and why. Focused reflection and writing can relax you for restful, refreshing sleep.
  • Create a gratitude journal. You can go back over your entries and see the accumulation of good things in your life. You may be surprised at the sheer volume of good stuff in your days.
  • Carry a small notebook to capture snippets and nuggets of gratitude throughout your day. Your notes will spark your memory when you sit down to write.
  • Pay for the meal or beverage for the person behind you in line. You’d be amazed how far down the line this can go, sometimes for hours (True story—no one wanted to be the one to break the chain.).
  • Be kind, polite, supportive, and gracious. Extending courtesy to others feels good and may bring out gratitude in them.
  • Make a conscious effort to smile and laugh often. Need I say more?
  • Savor things that stimulate awe in you. Awe ushers in reverence and reverence leads to gratitude.
  • Practice feeling grateful even when it is not a holiday. Everyday gratitude makes holidays even more precious.
  • Share your gratitude with those around you, in your interactions and your relationships. One of the hallmarks of gratitude is to share feelings of satisfaction and connection.
  • Compliment others. Find something good in other people and play to their strengths. It could turn around someone’s otherwise unpleasant day. It can be as simple as saying, “Nice socks,” or “Great haircut,” to “You always have a gracious disposition. I appreciate that,” or “You have a beautiful smile.”
  • Slow down. Take time to notice, savor, and celebrate the beauty and grace of life.
  • Celebrate the wonder of Life. Life is wondrous and precious. Take time to enjoy the mundane as well as the profound events and circumstances and conventions of life.
  • Remember that bad things that did not happen are good things. Breathe a sigh of relief and gratitude when situations did not turn out as bad as they could have.
  • Acknowledge that some circumstances are difficult to experience.

Look for ways to acknowledge the beauty and grace of life and share your gratitude as often as possible. Let your gratitude illuminate the way for others, in all your interactions and relationships. Thank you for the presence of Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center in the Des Moines metro area. Thank you to the Center for allowing me to share my heart. Thank you to all of you for letting me into your life.

Billie Wade, writer

Billie Wade is a gregarious introvert whose primary interests are writing, lifelong learning, personal development, and how we all are affected by life’s vagaries. Issues facing black people, women, the LGBTQ community, and aging adults are of particular concern to her. She enjoys open-hearted dialogue with diverse people. The opinions expressed here are her own.

To read more of Billie’s blogs: www.dmpcc.org/Billie

Hope and Healing for Children and Adolescents through C.O.O.L. (Children Overcoming the Obstacles in Life)

Billie Wade on September 11, 2018

By Billie Wade, guest writer and PrairieFire graduate

The Paint Wall is a signature aspect of C.O.O.L. Children and teens express their feelings by flinging paint, facilitated by a licensed therapist. photo courtesy of: Business Publications Corp.

September heralds the end of summer, cooler weather, shorter days, and the annual exodus to school. It’s time for students of all ages to head for the classroom. From kindergarten through adult learner, going to school can be a time of joy and excitement or a time of apprehension and trepidation. Students entering school for the first time or going to a new school may have some uneasiness and fear of the unknown. Students returning to school may feel a sense of exhilaration or a sense of dread. Parents see their children off to school feeling a host of emotions ranging from fear to relief.

Years ago, I read that children are not miniature adults. Children have stressors adults may not understand. Parents and teachers may be in a quandary about how to help and feel overwhelmed with the challenges of children in addition to those they already experience. A stressed-out parent still must pay the bills, put food on the table, and quite possibly maintain a job. A stretched teacher still must develop lesson plans, create tests, teach the class, and maintain a learning environment for all students. Growing up and learning how to interact with others is hard. Children need the adults in their environment to model civil behavior. When the adults misread or do not understand a child’s perspective, problems can arise.

Sara Swansen, and Grace Sherer, former clinicians at Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, recognized the mental health needs of children and their families and created a specialized clinical approach within the Center called C.O.O.L., Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life. They believed in children’s abilities to thrive, given a fertile environment. Since December 1999, the experiential program has helped thousands of children, 645 in 2017. C.O.O.L. aims to help children, adolescents, and their families navigate the murky waters of life’s challenges. C.O.O.L. meets children at eye-level with age- and developmentally-appropriate activities and services. Kelli Hill, Ph.D., director of clinical services and one of six clinicians facilitating the C.O.O.L. program, said,” “The C.O.O.L. waiting room and wing of the Center is designed specifically to help children and adolescents feel comfortable being here.”

Dr. Hill said children come to C.O.O.L. in varying stages of mental health and for sundry reasons, including divorce, separation in impending divorce, abuse and trauma, attachment concerns, bullying, life decisions, anxiety, and depression. When life stressors pile on, children respond in myriad ways including poor study habits and the resulting grades; withdrawal from family members, teachers, and classmates; anxiety; depression; low self-esteem; substance abuse; and, inappropriate behavior, Dr. Hill said. C.O.O.L.’s clinicians work with children ages two through college-age and assessment and evaluation services are available to children of all ages, even younger than two. Sometimes, siblings participate in C.O.O.L. and may see the same clinician or a different one. C.O.O.L. works through the child’s strengths and perspective, relying heavily on age-appropriate “play, art, music, literature, the outdoors and physical movement” in a highly spontaneous and creative environment. Dr. Hill shared with me that some children refer to the Center as their second home. Children usually attend the program biweekly, and more often if necessary. Clinicians customize the program to the unique needs of each child and her or his family. Some activities focus on the child and others focus on interactions with their families.

Dr. Hill told me bullying is a big problem in schools and can follow students through several school years. Social media has changed the landscape of bullying. No longer confined to recess, gym class, the school bus, and the walk to and from school, the harassment and torment invade children’s’ sanctuaries—their homes. Bullies now can Tweet, text, post, and email damaging messages to large numbers of people simultaneously. Usernames allow them to carry out their hurtful behavior in anonymity.

I loved school and learning, but my experiences there were not always pleasant. Shy, soft-spoken, and overweight, from an alcoholic, abusive family, I was bullied through fifth and sixth grades and junior high school. My parents were ill-equipped to address what I experienced. My father demanded good grades and grounded us for anything less than an “A.” My mother demanded good behavior and a trip to the principal’s office for her meant grounding for us, regardless of who was at fault. Fortunately, my brother, sister, and I rarely wound up in the principal’s office. My father grounded us for not fighting; my mother grounded us for fighting. Thirty-two years later, as a single parent, I was ill-equipped to help my son as he faced teacher-supported bullying. When he reported offenses to teachers, they accused him of being a trouble-maker or tattling. School administrators surprised me by making excuses for the bullies while blaming my son. Punishment for my son often exceeded that of the bully’s. Bullies tormented him through elementary, middle, and high school. I spent several afternoons in principals’ offices defending my son after a bully or a group of bullies attacked him.

Art and activity room for C.O.O.L. clients.

The holistic approach of the C.O.O.L. program reaches beyond a child’s need for physical safety to psychological and emotional safety. Children learn personal limits and gain confidence in their evolving bodies and identities. Finding the balance between giving a child too much rein and not enough can baffle adults. C.O.O.L.’s staff are there to bolster the parents and families as well as the child. They encourage children to explore and trust themselves, and they encourage parents to trust their child’s autonomy.

Dr. Hill said, “I get to come to work every day and watch the amazing growth and development of young people. I have a great opportunity to serve children and their families. We at C.O.O.L. feel blessed and honored to be on the journey of hope and healing with the children and adolescents.”

C.O.O.L. is a dynamic intervention for children and their families. Participants receive the support system and guidance that is so crucial to their development and their ability to engage fully in life’s opportunities and to face life’s challenges with confidence and courage. For more information about C.O.O.L. please visit www.dmpcc.org/COOL. To start the process to schedule an appointment for your child or adolescent, please visit www.dmpcc.org or call 515-274-4006.

Billie Wade, writer

Billie Wade is a gregarious introvert whose primary interests are writing, lifelong learning, personal development, and how we all are affected by life’s vagaries. Issues facing black people, women, the LGBTQ community, and aging adults are of particular concern to her. She enjoys open-hearted dialogue with diverse people. The opinions expressed here are her own.

To read more of Billie’s blogs: www.dmpcc.org/Billie

A reflection on choices

Billie Wade on July 18, 2018

by Billie Wade, guest writer

Billie Wade, writer

Choice is a freedom we all have and exercise multiple times in a typical day—how we want to spend our time, who we want to interact with, what we want to watch on television. Periodically, larger issues arise—where we want to live, what kind of career we want, this person is or is not a good mate for me.

Choice is a supreme gift that we do not always recognize. Seeking help when we do not know what else to do is a choice. Sharing our story is a choice. Greeting each day with a sense of awe and appreciation is a choice, even if our circumstances are dire.

There is much in life over which we have no control. We may be facing serious difficulties with dire implications. Where is our choice there? The answer is that we are always one hundred per cent at choice about our attitude regardless of our situation or what is happening around us. The attitude we choose dictates our feelings and actions.

December 20, 2017, I received the crushing diagnosis of breast cancer. In the statement of two words, “It’s cancer,” my world shattered. I sat in stunned silence, not hearing anything else the nurse navigator said. I wondered how it could have happened, although I knew I was a prime candidate because cancer ran in my immediate family. Despite my journaling practice, I wrote very little that day. Cancer was too big. I could not grasp it. It was huge and electrified. I entered a world where I had no control. It seemed that all I could do was follow the instructions of my burgeoning medical team and hope for the best. I felt numb and hollow. I wanted the cancer out of my body, but I did not like what I had to go through for that to happen.

In the days before surgery, I experienced crushing fear. The future no longer existed for me. I felt somehow cheated out of life by some cruel cosmic joke. I grappled for something, anything, I could control. I paid my bills on time. I balanced my checkbook. I got dressed every morning. I talked to my family, friends, and my counselor at the Center. I shared my experience on social media at significant milestones. I wrote in my journal and worked on my writing projects. I controlled my response to what was happening, after the numbness of shock wore off.

In the days immediately following the January 31 surgery, I learned that the “cell margins” and lymph nodes were clear. When I received those lab results I began to decompress. I began to believe I would be okay. I began to see possibilities for favorable outcomes. I began to breathe. But, I still did not see my choices. My movements seemed mechanical.

My surgeon’s nurse told me that I had found the tumor at the earliest possible stage and that my surgeon thought my treatment regimen would involve only radiation. A couple of weeks later, my oncologist confirmed that I did not need chemotherapy. Following thirty-three radiation treatments over a period of six and a half weeks, I looked back on the previous five months and realized how many choices were at my disposal and how many choices I had made.

As you go through a typical day, jot down in a notebook the number of choices you make and how you feel about them. They can be as broad as “went for a walk” or as detailed as “stood up from my chair, walked to the kitchen, removed a glass from the cupboard, walked to the kitchen sink, turned on the water, filled the glass, walked back to my chair, sat down, etc.” Each of those steps involved a choice. You may be surprised by how many options you have. You may feel better equipped to face choices when adversity arises. Choice contributes to feelings of well-being because we have the freedom to make important decisions about our lives. It promotes feelings of contentment, inner strength, and empowerment.

Choice has a companion: responsibility. We have a responsibility to make choices that serve the good of everyone involved in our situation. We sometimes make a choice that does not serve us. At times, the consequences of our choices are painful and may limit future choices.

Having choices doesn’t mean we will like and embrace the options available to us. We may have to choose among two or more possibilities we would prefer to avoid. During these times, we can reach out to trusted people to be with us through the turmoil. We can talk to people we trust and engage in soothing, nurturing spiritual practices.

Sometimes, we are met with so many choices that they feel overwhelming. We need to give ourselves as much time and space as possible to weigh all the options and make an informed decision.

The right to choose is bestowed upon all human beings. We have the right to choose how we feel about what happens in our life. We have the right to choose our attitude even in adversity. We have the right to choose how we respond to the forces of life. As your days unfold, may the freedom of choice comfort and energize you. Make time in your day to appreciate the power of choice in your life.

Billie Wade is a gregarious introvert whose primary interests are writing, lifelong learning, personal development, and how we all are affected by life’s vagaries. Issues facing black people, women, the LGBTQ community, and aging adults are of particular concern to her. She enjoys open-hearted dialogue with diverse people. The opinions expressed here are her own.

The Healing Benefits of Journaling

Billie Wade on February 22, 2018

Some people see or hear the word “journaling” and flee for the hills. Others are intrigued but not sure they’re ready to take the step. Others are neutral, unaffected by encouragement to keep a journal. I am in the camp of avid journalers and have been since age twelve. Throughout the years, my journaling ebbed and flowed, depending on my life circumstances. Most recently, I have journaled steadily since September 8, 2002, and journaling is a daily priority.

Journaling is one of the best ways to explore emotions and feelings, sort through events and relationships, and grow as a person. It moves issues out of my head and onto the page where I can take an objective look at a situation. My journal is my closest friend. I write thoughts and feelings that I cannot express to other people. I learn about who I am, what I want from life, and strategies for solving or managing problems. Difficult emotions and painful aspects of my life challenge me on the page. Journaling supports and sustains me between counseling sessions. I often journal about a session or discuss an entry in counseling.

Journaling requires no special writing skills or costly equipment and has no penmanship rules. You can write anything you choose without attention to grammar, punctuation, or word choices. Write diagonally on the page, upside down, and in the margins. Experiment writing with your non-dominate hand. Make your journal a place to express who you are.

There are probably as many types of journaling as there are people who have a journaling practice. I have identified six basic types:

1. Introspective—an exploration of thoughts and feelings about specific topics or life in general;
2. Reflective—a thoughtful look at experiences and meaningful events;
3. Situational—an examination of one specific event or experience;
4. Gratitude—a collection of those aspects of life that bring joy and thankfulness;
5. Dream—often a rich source of symbols and messages that enhance all of one’s life; and,
6. Spiritual—an introspective or reflective approach to one’s experience of reverence however that is defined in each person’s life. You may want to read books about journaling or research online for articles on types of journaling. I keep all my journal entries together in one series of books whereas some people prefer to maintain a separate book for each of their journaling categories.

When I sit down to journal, I write the day, date, and time of the entry. For subsequent entries on the same day, I record only the time. I write at various points in my day, but some people have a dedicated period. How much I journal varies from a paragraph one day to ten pages the next. Numbering pages helps me when I reread my entries. While daily journaling is beneficial to me, some people find it necessary only occasionally or when a special need arises. Honoring personal rhythms is important. I carry a small notebook with me to jot down journaling ideas when I am away from my book or unable to interrupt another activity.

As you contemplate a journaling session, consider your emotions and what is on your mind. Ask questions. What motivated you to write the entry? What is the lesson in the experience or how can you learn from it? What do you know for sure? What do you want to know more about? If you’re new to journaling, you may want to start your sentences simply—“I want…,” “I’m so angry about…,” “I wish I could…,” “I’m crying about…,” “I’m so happy about…,” etc. Describe the situation in whatever language works for you. Let your emotion fill the page. Stop when you feel relief or when no more words come. Journaling is often done to facilitate emotional healing. Out of the pain comes insight, epiphany, and transformation. But, you also can celebrate the joys of your life in your journal. Happy events can be powerful catalysts for healing.

Your journal may be as simple or elaborate as you choose. You can use anything from scratch pads and wire-bound notebooks to hand-bound leather journals that store in their own box. They come with a variety of beautiful covers and either lined or unlined pages in a variety of colors. Some journals feature quotes or inspirational messages at the top of each page or attractive page borders. To find journals you may want to try, visit bookstores, drug stores, and office supply stores. They also are available from online retailers, but you miss the opportunity to examine before you buy.

Personalizing a journal is easy. I use writeable stick-on index tabs on the tops of pages of special entries I want to remember. I use different ink colors to color-code my entries and enliven my journal and journaling experience. I print or cut out quotes, glue them into my journal, and reflect on them. I save magazine and online articles and blog posts. Some people save movie tickets and other memorabilia. Some people draw or sketch in their journal or write poetry. Colorful shoelaces make fun bookmarks. When you finish a book, move the shoelace to the next book or use a different one for each book or category. I try to put “fun” into functional.

Privacy reigns supreme. Your journals are personal, and you determine how much security you need. Consider your situation and your tolerance for risk and take steps to protect your journals accordingly. Recognizing your comfort level and deciding how you will protect your writing early on in your journaling practice is often easier than trying to institute a system after a security breach. While I am a strong proponent of hand-written journals, you may find a password-protected online journal or document on your computer more suitable. Online, you can choose from several free and premium options. Some people publish their journaling as a memoir while others make provisions in their will to protect their writing. Be wary of anyone who tries to coerce you into destroying your journaling. Make sure it is what you want to do. If someone reads your journaling without your permission, seek ways to protect yourself and your writing in the future.

Whatever your comfort level, I hope you decide to try journaling, perhaps committing to a month, week, or a specified number of entries. You may even want to start with journaling about your feelings about journaling. You may be pleased with the insights you uncover and the epiphanies you experience. May journaling be as comforting, challenging, rewarding, and empowering for you as it is for me.

Happy writing to you.

Billie Wade, writer

Billie Wade is a gregarious introvert whose primary interests are writing, lifelong learning, personal development, and how we all are affected by life’s vagaries. Issues facing black people, women, the LGBTQ community, and aging adults are of particular concern to her. She enjoys open-hearted dialogue with diverse people. The opinions expressed here are her own.