Author: Billie Wade

Many of us understand compassion—empathy, kindness, gentleness, comforting, and open-heartedness. We often show compassion and caring for others who are suffering yet hesitate when we consider it for ourselves. We may be confused about what self-compassion is, the benefits, how to apply it to our life, or have some misgivings about side effects.

Self-compassion is difficult for me. The process encourages me to view mistakes, failures, shortcomings, and imperfections through the lens of benevolence and gentleness toward myself. My usual reaction to adversity is humiliation and defeat because I believe I did not try hard enough, discounting how much time, energy, emotional investment, and whole-hearted passion I infused into the project. Thoughts and beliefs that tell me I am inadequate as a human being fill my mind. Mistakes, failures, and shortcomings glow with a blinding intensity and pile onto an already enormous heap. Depression and anxiety symptoms increase and my sense of self-worth plummets. When I say words of solace to myself, they sound abrasive and insincere. They are hard to hear in my voice. When other people offer words of compassion, they affirm they are attentive and care about me, connect with me, and give me permission to engage with and express my feelings even if their support is unspoken. Self-compassion offers me the gift of giving that same kindness, gentleness, and support to myself, as I give to others when they are hurting.

Self-compassion is not letting ourselves off the hook nor is it ignoring or discounting the situation or looking on the bright side of things. Rather, it means we acknowledge the reality of the situation and recognize all humans experience disappointments and make mistakes. It does not mean we wallow in self-pity which keeps us stuck in our pain. Instead, we free ourselves to acknowledge the full range of our emotional distress and express it safely. Self-compassion does not take away our want and need to act. Rather, it equips us with knowledge and insight that help us move forward. We look for the lesson in the disappointment, failure, or shortcoming and change what we can. Our plight becomes clear and options arise.

Self-compassion does not foster narcissistic ideas and behaviors. We do not get into the rumination loop that awfulizes our experience. Self-compassion acknowledges our vulnerability and our human propensity to make mistakes and experience the sting of misfortune. We neither elevate ourselves with words of grandiosity nor do we demean ourselves with words of judgment.

Testament to our common humanity, we are all subject to the inevitable unpredictability of life. We all have disappointments, mistakes, failures, shortcomings, and characteristics we wish we could change. Self-compassion helps us see those elements through eyes of kindness and gentleness and comforting, like draping a beloved blanket or quilt over our lap rather than punishing ourselves with judgment. With the necessary element of mindfulness, we view the reality of our circumstance without further emotional harm. Our thoughts do not take over our mind; we regulate our thoughts.

When we are unaccustomed to self-nurturing, our attempts to override ingrained beliefs may give us senses of coddling or untruth. Self-doubt may arise and tell us we are in delusion or denial. Hurtful messages about us whether they come from others or from ourselves, may make the initial practice of self-compassion awkward. Failures and conclusions of inadequacy seem too big and impossible to overcome. I counter supportive messages with words of self-doubt such as, “Yeah, right,” in a condescending tone. Old, ingrained messages die hard. Realizing the benefits of self-compassion takes practice. As we become more accustomed to the words we need for relief, we can conduct a self-compassion exercise anywhere, anytime, in a matter of seconds.

So, how do we practice self-compassion? In whatever way works for us. My practice invites me to:

1. Recognize I am experiencing a hurtful situation.
2. Acknowledge the pain as genuine and honor and safely express my feelings.
3. Remember that I am human and all humans experience difficulties, setbacks, disappointments, mistakes, and shortcomings.
4. Ask myself what I need. What words do I need to comfort me? Sometimes, I need stillness and solitude. Other times, I need the kind words I would say to a friend. Or, I may need to journal. I can say reassurances such as, “I care about you and will be here as you face this situation”; “This is frightening, but I know we can get through this.” (I use the term “we” to let my inner self know I support her.); “May I be safe, may I be well, may I be at peace.” I work to send messages of well wishes to everyone involved. While not always easy, the practice can bring relief and tranquility.
5. In my new peaceful state, I can assess the situation and my position and work toward resolution whether that means solving the problem, coming to an understanding, gaining clarity, or extricating myself.
6. Another tip is self-touch: gently stroke the back of your hand or forearm. The warmth of your touch can soothe you.

Self-compassion melds acknowledgment and safe expression of our pain, recognition of our common humanity, and mindfulness toward approaching our experience with kindness and tenderness. We support of ourselves with the same caring we share with others. Our suffering diminishes in frequency, intensity, and duration. Serenity, joy, and resilience enter our lives.

May you be well. May you be safe. May you be at peace.

For more of Billie’s blogs, click HERE.

Billie Wade, writer

Billie Wade, writer

Self-awareness is our perception of ourselves and our relationship with the rest of the world. We are more open and intimate with some people than we are with others. We make decisions, often without thinking. The same mistakes or habits recur, sending us into a tailspin of self-recrimination. Self-awareness places us in a better position to find problems and solutions. When we improve our self-awareness, we make conscious decisions, monitor behavior, and lead a life of genuineness and integrity.

Self-awareness fascinates me. I am innately and profoundly drawn to explore human development, mine and others. My family discouraged feelings, whether happy or sad. I learned to stifle my feelings and muffle their expression. Self-defeating behaviors held my feelings in check. Over time, I lost touch with my feelings which resulted in dire consequences. Through years of journaling and counseling, I thought my self-awareness and sense of self were rather good. But each time I take a deeper look within, more evidence reveals that much remains for me to learn. I engage in beliefs and behaviors that annoy me and defy my best efforts to eradicate them. Some have been with me many years. And, so it goes with most people. We all have habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies we want to change or eliminate.

I identified basic feelings when I joined a Twelve-step group in my early forties. There, people talked discussed sad, angry, scared, hurt, guilty, embarrassed, ashamed. They focused on the harm done to them by others and how those experiences shaped their self-awareness. Several years later I began to look at my responsibility for the decisions I made and the ways I tried to cope with emotional distress. When I ventured into the recesses of my “dark” side, I found beliefs, feelings, attitudes, and intentions of which I had been unconscious. Now, deep introspection helps me clarify what I need and how I want to experience my existence. Insights unfold for me to examine and embrace.

The process of self-awareness is an ever-evolving essential guide to how we live, and interact with others, and respond to stressful circumstances. Gaining insight into our inner life is a process of personal growth and development—mental, emotional, spiritual, social and physical. We take an honest, nonjudgmental look at our needs, desires, successes, failures, losses, strengths, and limitations. Our characteristics and attributes reveal themselves. Self-awareness helps us answer questions such as “Why do I keep doing this?” Whole billion-dollar industries are built on weight loss and financial independence. Many diets and wealth-building strategies fail because they do not address the deeply entrenched feelings and beliefs. The answers lie in our subconscious mind.

The introspection that leads to self-awareness is not an easy or simple task. Facing ourselves demands willingness, honesty, tenacity, and a healthy dose of courage. We may be led into places we do not want to go. Self-examination may be an emotionally stressful trek through buried memories. We may have avoided parts of our life because they are painful or shameful. The journey into the unknown can be frightening. When we encounter difficult memories or feelings, self-compassion is foremost and crucial. This does not mean we make excuses for ourselves or others. Rather, we listen to ourselves without judgment and censoring even as we may feel the full brunt of the suppressed feelings. We discuss our plan with someone we trust to support our effort. That person can support you as you explore your internal landscape. Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center clinical staff are skilled in assisting clients on their path of healing and wholeness; click here to get started. The revelations are worth the journey. We learn how we developed a shield to protect ourselves from emotional distress. Change can be difficult but cannot happen if we are unaware of the problem and how it formed.

But, how can we cultivate self-awareness? We start by asking deep reflective questions relating to who we are, what we want, and how we react to others. Several years ago, I created a list of questions to ask myself, and I have added to the list since then. “What fascinates me?” “What about life am I questioning?” “What does healthy mean to me?” My list has grown to fifty-four questions which I sometimes use as journaling prompts. You can ask these questions in your journaling, counseling, and spiritual practice. Or, you may choose to delve into an emotionally charged situation. It is common for initial questions to lead deeper, more challenging questions. In time, you learn that you will be okay, and the experience has set you on a path of transformation. Introspection is quite possibly the most powerful journey you will undertake. Solutions to problems may emerge as you discover your ability to manage circumstances that formerly baffled you.

A ritual I use for self-exploration can be adapted to your needs and comfort:

• Approach your journey into self-awareness in small steps. What are you looking for in a particular event? What are you looking for—peace, comforting, insight, clarity, relief?
• Get physically comfortable where you will not be interrupted or distracted;
• Set the mood, if you like, with music, candles, or incense;
• Read an inspiring quote or passage from a book or sacred text;
• Make a list of questions you want to explore or, chose a question from an existing list;
• Set a timer for 5-10 minutes, if you choose, and allow yourself to relax into the quiet;
• Let the question sink into your subconscious;
• Try to allow the insight or epiphany to arise without judgment or emotional engagement;
• When you are ready, write your insights without regard to punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.’
• Review your writing to find the golden nuggets of wisdom that surfaced;
• Give yourself time to let the revelation develop;
• Connect with the person you trust;
• Begin to take small steps to integrate the lesson or message into your life.

You can now decide how you want to move forward with your discovery. Consider how the change will impact your life for the better for you and the people important to you. Consider who can help you continue your journey of self-discovery as your self-awareness grows. Allow your newly acquired transformation to unfold gradually. It takes as long as it takes. Recently, I explored an emotionally traumatic series of events that defined my life for many years. While self-assessment is difficult, I experienced clarity and peace with what happened.

Self-awareness determines how we perceive ourselves and others and the events that inform our lives. Situations and the level of intimacy we have with others depend on our interpretation of happened or is happening. As we bravely explore our beliefs, feelings, and behaviors, we discover who we really are and ways to better manage our lives. We become our best friend.

May your journey of self-discovery lead you into truth, clarity, joy, and peace.

To read more of Billie’s blogs, CLICK HERE.

Life is fraught with difficult experiences and situations beyond our control. Unforeseen events may short-circuit our best efforts. We can see our letdown as failure which fosters resignation or view our circumstance with curiosity which helps us learn from the situation. Resignation is a state of disappointment that highlights our feelings of failure. Surrender is an active, conscious choice, a decision rooted in our awareness that life is an unpredictable, uncontrollable journey.

Resignation takes away our ability to see options or to act in our own best interest. Unsure what to do next, or how to tend to our broken heart, we freeze. Hopelessness and helplessness color the lens through which we view our situation. We become discouraged, frustrated, confused, resentful. Faith in ourselves and our endeavors wanes. We do not take an active role in our life; we stop caring for ourselves. Our sense of self-worth diminishes. The disappointment may be the latest in several painful experiences. Any effort seems futile, so why bother?

Surrender is a difficult topic for me. By default, intense emotional pain gives way to resignation. My modus operandi is to give my heart to my vision. I forget the need for detachment, the need to cultivate hope and faith without forming a vice grip on the outcome. When I attempt to control or predict a specific outcome, I am wrong one hundred percent of the time. “This time will be different.”

I want the experiences in my life to go well. The problem arises when my emotional investment clouds my ability to see my dream with practicality. I am filled with the energy of excitement. I give little thought to what could go wrong. When reality falls short of my vision, I fall into rumination on past experiences. I worry about the future. Deep depression and anxiety follow. Resignation creeps in. I cannot see options, new opportunities, or the lessons in the experience. I am caught up in my feelings as I wander around in darkness. I journal about my angst. I see my counselor. In recent years, each experience granted me new insight and wisdom.

We often view surrender as a negative, admission of defeat. We feel forced into an experience we do not want. Surrender does not mean giving up or giving in. Nor does it mean we allow abuse or exploitation. The gift of surrender involves recognition that we have done all we can, we cannot control the outcome. There is freedom in letting go of our need to control the situation or fix the problem. We invite the possibility of more desirable options and outcomes. We find a sense of serenity as we see a broader picture.

The path of surrender is difficult. We must go through a process of grief, courage, hope, faith, wisdom, and trust. As we surrender, we acknowledge the strengths and limitations of ourselves and our situation. The options available to us may be less than desirable, but we invite peace to enter our life. We surrender many times. Surrender varies in degree of difficulty, sometimes easier than others. Many factors may influence our ability to reach acceptance, and surrender to reality—the freshness, intensity, and gravity of the experience; previous experiences; the people involved; and, the grief process which varies with each person and each situation. Our setback may result in a far more favorable outcome than we could imagine. Sometimes, it does not.

To nudge ourselves away from the pain of disappointment toward acceptance and surrender, we approach our situation with mindfulness. We

1. treat ourselves with compassion and gentleness;
2. pay attention to self-talk; what we say, and how we say those words, have meaning. They are strong indicators of whether we are in despair and on our way to resignation or in acceptance and on our way to surrender.
3. look at the reality of our circumstances, what happened or is happening with awareness rather than judgment;
4. embrace our feelings and express them in safe ways;
5. look for our strengths and use them to move forward;
6. get help—others may point out options we did not see. Asking for help may come in the form of counseling (schedule an appointment with Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center here), spiritual direction, a close friend, someone professional or experienced, or even classes. Sometimes, realizing our dream and reaching our definition of success takes time to unfold. We may have to plant a lot of seeds before our vision can blossom;
7. know we will be okay, that we are neither controlled by nor defined by the experience;
8. approach disappointment with curiosity, seek out the message or lesson.

The difficulties of life happen to all of us. Our approach to withstanding those difficulties contributes to our peace of mind, our sense of self, our overall outlook. Life offers opportunities in forms we do not expect. The gift of surrender invites freedom of choice. Renewed strength emerges from a sense of empowerment. Letting go of the need to control and fix sets us on the path of healing and hope as we prepare for the next development in our journey.

Much peace and joy to you.

NOTE: The information offered above is not a substitute for professional intervention for mental health, grief, medical, or legal issues. I offer you my deepest empathy. I hope for your healing.

Billie Wade, writer

To read more about Billie and her articles, click HERE.

The year 2020 brings us a new year and a new decade. The closing year, 2019, and the 2010 decade brought triumphs, challenges, reasons to celebrate, and experiences of emotional upheaval. We may be glad to see 2019 go, or we may wish it could last a few more months. Either way, we all have our own perspective and feelings about the inevitable passing of a year and the opening of a new one.

A tradition of greeting the new year involves writing resolutions about what we want our future to look like. Too often, resolutions fizzle out in a short period. Resolutions tend to be rigid and confining, so we beat ourselves up when we do not reach our goal or measure up to our ambition. We feel guilty for having been unsuccessful, often after repeated attempts. After all, we announced our resolutions with determination and conviction. My experience with resolutions for the new year involved looking at my life and making lofty declarations for improvement. I spent little time looking at what I really needed and wanted or ways to bring my desires to fruition.

I propose reframing resolutions as hopes and intentions. This approach calls for the thoughtfulness of reflection and the honesty of introspection.

Hope is a deep sense that our dreams, desires, and wishes might come to fruition. Hope is born of a yearning of a desired outcome, often with a spiritual basis. The end result is vivid in our mind. We have a visceral response to thinking about our goal.

Intentions require thoughtfulness born of reflection and introspection. We take a realistic view of our intention. We think about its importance. We consider our time, ability, equipment, fortitude, stick-to-itiveness, resources, and support. We see the importance of a plan. Intentions differ from resolutions in that they well up from deep within us and offer us flexibility. Intentions afford us the freedom to modify our course if necessary.

Reflection reviews where we have been and assesses the way the events of our life unfolded. Look into your heart and find the denied or neglected places, the tender places, the desperate places, the raw places. Think of balm to heal those. See my article in last month’s newsletter, “2019 Holiday Survival Guide” for ideas to soothe the jangles and set you on the path of healing. I journal daily and see my counselor regularly. We can use our reflection time to re-celebrate the joys and triumphs of 2019. We can revisit the challenges and painful experiences with fresh eyes. We may need to reach out for help. Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center has clinicians and spiritual directors to support you. Get started here.

Introspection is a deep search within to harvest the golden nuggets of strength, courage, resilience, and wisdom.

The passing of years offers a natural way of moving on to the next season of our life. We expand our introspection to determine where we want to go from here. We appraise options and possibilities. We look for ways to enrich our lives and empower ourselves. We set intentions and develop plans to attain them. We look to the new year with expectancy and gratitude for having traversed another year of life. We may have no clear answers to our deep, passionate questions. Offer gratitude for what did and did not happen in 2019.

Moving on requires us to let go of elements in our life that no longer serve us so we can live with more joy and meaning and peace. We may need to discard no-longer-useful items in our closet. Or, we may need to cut ties with people or situations that do not support us. This is a good time to review habits and behaviors that hinder us. We look for people who can help us with guidance, feedback, support, and encouragement.

Here are some steps for realizing hope and healing in 2020:

• Review your life in 2019 and find out what brought you joy and peace, what brought you emotional pain, what went undone. Write a list.
• Look within to see what you want to expand, reduce, or continue and what you want to bring into your life. List them.
• Make a list of your intentions for 2020. Take an honest look at what you need to accomplish each one.
• Choose 1-3 intentions and develop a timeline or strategy for approaching each one; be specific and detailed; write them on a calendar.
• Put your list where you have easy access.
• Do one small activity related to your intentions as often as possible.
• Create checkpoints for reviewing your progress and direction.

My intentions for 2020 include:

• Share my sacred gifts with as many people as possible.
• Approach all of life as a great learning opportunity, in curiosity, wonder, awe, and respect.
• Receive life’s lessons in joy and appreciation and expand my practice of gratitude.
• Learn to surrender in joyful anticipation and expectancy.
• Release in joy and peace those elements of my life that cause me uncertainty and hurt.

Whether you are facing 2020 with excitement or with trepidation, may every day in the new decade offer you joy for the wonder of life, light for your visions, support for your healing journey, and strength for your challenging times. I appreciate the opportunity to share in your journey.

With Much Gratitude.
– Billie

Billie Wade, writer

To read more about Billie and her articles, click HERE.

Living alone can lead to feelings of freedom and independence or trigger feelings of isolation and loneliness. While aloneness and loneliness are often used interchangeably, and often travel together, they are very different.

Aloneness is a physical state in which we are on our own even if other people are present. Reading a book at the library is an example. We may have people with whom to interact and choose to not do so. The key is we recognize our choices and options. We may welcome and embrace the tranquility of being alone, using the opportunity to rest, relax, recharge, and rekindle.

Re-energized, our imagination and creativity flow. We welcome and embrace our time alone and befriend ourselves, allowing for time to explore our values and preferences, our needs and desires, our patterns and routines, our goals and dreams. Curiosity about our inner life leads to discovering with delight the surprise of who we are. Pampering and nurturing ourselves become priorities rather than indulgences. We find confidence in self-reliance. Solitude sustains us.

Loneliness is a mental state in which we feel disconnected from other people and, possibly, from our spiritual foundation. We have no one with whom to share thoughts and feelings even when we are with others. Loneliness can impact physical health as well as mental health, contributing to heart disease, a compromised immune system, depression (which itself may lead to loneliness), thoughts of suicide, and anxiety. We may experience stifled imagination and crushed creativity. Boredom and loss of interest often worsen the loneliness.

There are myriad life events that trigger loneliness, including genetics and grief, which encompasses changes in life circumstances such as moving away from friends and family; empty nest; going off to college; divorce; death of a loved one; a new job or losing a job; illness; relocation of close friends, and more. Depression, anxiety, other mental disorders, and strong emotions such as anger or even elation can bring on a bout of loneliness. We may believe no one else can relate to our feelings of isolation and emptiness, there is no one else to share our pain or our joy.

Feeling lonely and feeling alone happen to everyone. An important point to remember is to balance the two states. As an introvert, I enjoy the company of others for limited periods. I require solitude to re-energize and regroup. One of my friends relishes the company of others and rejuvenates when she is in a group where there is a lot of positive energy. Another friend enjoys concerts and gets lost in the music, oblivious to other people in the audience. This same friend enjoys spending informal time with others and is likely to call someone on the spur of the moment and invite them to meet for coffee or lunch.

Solitude offers me an opportunity to pause, introspect, reflect, and, often, rejoice. Daily thoughts of my sister, mother, and partner, whose deaths occurred in 2015 and 2016, emerge from the hole their absence left in my life. I feel a sense of loneliness for the loss of their presence. In solitude, my grief includes the joy each of those wonderful women brought me, leaving me with gratitude and hope and the realization that, in spirit, they are yet with me. They each left a unique legacy that helps guide my life.

Changes in our attitude and approach to loneliness can go a long way in helping our life improve. Here are several tips for relieving loneliness, some of which involve a little risk (legal and ethical, I promise):

• Journal your internal dialogue to help you sort through the maze of uncomfortable feelings.
• Write a list of the advantages of being alone and use each one as a journaling prompt. This can help shift your mindset to one of acceptance of the situation and allow you to create ideas for using the time in positive ways.
• Develop a mantra or set of affirmations that you can repeat until you feel relief.
• Spend time alone with other people—dine out, join a gym, go to a park or other public place and observe people, or read a book or write.
• Do something eccentric you love, such as prepare a favorite meal others find odd or unusual. I like fried chicken, collard greens, black-eyed peas, and homemade cornbread. Most of my friends say, “Ewww.”
• Take a class or attend a seminar, workshop, art festival, play, or a concert or go to a museum. Striking up a conversation with strangers who share our interests can lead to lasting friendships.
• Go for a stroll in nature.
• Volunteer with an organization you want to know more about.
• Call someone you would like to know better or someone you already know well just to chat.
• Call a company and ask a question or offer a comment rather than doing so online. I do this sometimes to hear a human voice.
• Limit social media as it can encourage social comparison. We may think we are connecting with others, but we may actually make our situation more intolerable as we compare our life to their seemingly happy lives.
• Read inspirational or spiritual materials.
• Engage in spiritual practices that strengthen you.
• Brainstorm and make a list of activities you can enjoy. I have a Master List of Things to Do When I’m Bored. It spans several pages and has gotten me through some tough times.
• Organize an activity such as a card game, Scrabble, book club, a knitting group, MeetUp group, or fan club.
• Let your imagination boost your spirits. A good idea may change your life.
• Reach out to someone you trust—mental health professional, religious leader, friend, family member, spiritual director.

These suggestions may be easier offered than done for you. Consider your situation, temperament, and tolerance for interaction. There may be a blurred line between welcoming solitude and perpetuating loneliness. If mobility or transportation are difficult, modifying some strategies can help. I encourage you to experiment to find what interests you.

Left unexplored and unattended, isolation and the resultant loneliness can damage physical as well as mental health. We can reduce our periods of isolation and loneliness in frequency, intensity, and duration by taking the opportunity to welcome and embrace them. With a conscious change in perception and mindset, loneliness can be turned into life-affirming solitude that promotes senses of self-empowerment, confidence, serenity, and well-being. Enjoy the discovery of powerful you.

Billie Wade, writer

To read more about Billie and her articles, click HERE.

Billie Wade, writer

We usually think of children, K-12 and college-age, and school when we consider learning. However, learning affects everyone even into the senior years and in every facet of life. Many adults return to school to enhance or change careers; learn a hobby, interest or skill; meet new people; challenge themselves; or, fulfill a dream. The challenge of learning is exciting and good for us but can become problematic when we are faced with mental disorders. I have lived with depression and anxiety since adolescence. Both mental disorders impact my ability to learn.

I was a good student and rarely missed days from school. School offered me respite from my turbulent home, and I enjoyed learning. I was a bright, engaged student, but learning did not come easily. Depression hindered my abilities to focus and concentrate. Fatigue and irregular sleep patterns meant I fought the fog of sleepiness and drowsiness in my morning classes. Anxiety kept me worried about performance and interacting with other students.

Teachers and others treated my questions as signs that I was not paying attention. I frequently felt as if I would jump out of my skin and go flying off in myriad directions with myself scattered in fragments. No one around me seemed to have the problems I experienced. I shared my pain with no one, afraid that telling someone would invite ridicule and disdain. My distress was almost palpable, but no one seemed to notice. I felt alone, unsettled, exposed, and vulnerable.

Social interactions and learning social skills made me nervous and jittery. Forming ideas in my head and articulating them effectively were difficult even when I knew what I wanted to say. I feared angering and alienating other people by making inappropriate or foolish comments.

My senior year in high school, I attended classes in the mornings and worked in the afternoons. While I was excited to be working, learning the tasks and responsibilities of holding a job and developing skills to be successful unnerved me. I feared making mistakes and getting fired or reprimanded in the presence of coworkers. I feared being ignored with no one willing to help me.

When I graduated, I became a full time employee. A series of promotions led to my eventual transfer to a different department and a prestigious position in the company. With each promotion, the angst of learning something new and trying not to make any mistakes confronted me. As I acquired more skills to do my jobs, additional responsibilities were placed on me. I often had to learn a new job functions while already feeling overwhelmed with the present duties. At the time, I had not been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, other than the ‘bad nerves’ diagnosis and ‘nerve pills’ my doctor prescribed for a short time when I was thirteen years old.

In 1995, I returned to school as a nontraditional student. My full time job and single parenting my adolescent son were at the forefront of my everyday life. Adding school to my other responsibilities and living with mental disorders meant going into a state of hyper-vigilance and ultra-attentiveness to everything. I carried a double major and completed my undergraduate degree in 1998.

In 2005, following what would be a defining, pivotal experience, I developed panic attacks. I was in graduate school at the time and learning was particularly difficult as I struggled to concentrate, focus, apply what I was learning, and turn in cohesive assignments amid the turmoil of my life, untreated. I was out of work, subsisting on unemployment benefits; out of insurance benefits; out of medication; lacking a support system; without a counselor, and, without a spiritual foundation. I finished graduate school in December 2006 amid what turned out to be one of the lowest points in my life.

A counselor diagnosed the depression in my mid-twenties. In 2015, I received the diagnoses of dysthymia (persistent depressive disorder) and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Despite seeing several counselors over the years, no one previously diagnosed the anxiety—I was high-functioning so my struggles were chalked up to behavioral habits I ‘should’ be able to control such as go to bed earlier; get out of bed before the last minute; pay attention; buckle down and focus; eat less.

Teachers, bosses, and others hurried me and told me to work faster and be more productive. I developed migraine headaches in my twenties that persisted through my fifties. A sense of emptiness, low energy, indecisiveness, and that something was very wrong with me plagued me. The coping strategies that kept me going were journaling; busyness; perfectionism; self-reliance; denying my feelings; eating; and, ignoring my emotions. Forged out of desperation, some of my approaches were effective and others turned out to be self-defeating.

One of the most powerful lessons for me was learning I am not alone. I am not the only person with these mental disorders, and I have people and mechanisms in life to help me cope. I now have a counselor, a psychiatrist, a supportive circle of friends, loving family members, and effective medications. Today, I lead a full, productive life of positive challenges.

I am learning to treat myself with gentleness and compassion. It is a lifelong process of remembering my tools when I am in emotional pain. I have an unwavering belief that if I work hard enough, life will get better even when reality is devastating and seems hopeless. I vacillate between good days and periods of angst and despair. My life is not perfect, but more days than in the past are manageable.

Mental disorders are treatable with counseling, journaling, stress relievers like MBSR^© (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction), spiritual and religious practices, and medication. If you or someone you know is living with one or more mental disorders, know there is help available. For information on services and classes, contact Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center at 515-274-4006 or visit the website at www.dmpcc.org.

Forgiveness has been on my mind for a while, now, so I started asking questions. I conducted research and found that many of my questions were not answered. What is forgiveness? What does forgiveness look like? What happens in the process of forgiving? I offer, in a nutshell, my experience, interpretation, and understanding of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the process of letting go of the need and desire for revenge, whatever form that may take. Forgiveness is neither neat and tidy nor precise. The stages of forgiveness and the steps of forgiving are good reference points. However, your process through forgiveness is unique to you and the situation you are facing. You may feel several emotions simultaneously and experience moving back and forth between stages. If the impact to your life is relatively minor, you may find forgiveness effortless and not think about it again as the adage “forgive and forget” urges you to do. When the blow is life-altering, forgiveness can be an arduous process spanning years or a lifetime, no matter how insignificant it appears to others.

Well-meaning people have cajoled or coerced grieving people into forgiving on their terms, rather than the griever’s. Watching someone wrangle with grief can be uncomfortable. They want you to become the person they knew before the experience. Or, they want to “keep the peace” in the family or relationship. Doing so before you are ready has the potential to increase anxiety, depression, resentment, anger, guilt, and shame. You may then engage in ineffective coping strategies and self-defeating behavior. You may push back with defiant anger as you set boundaries.

Grief is a necessary prerequisite for forgiveness. You must grieve your loss and be comforted by the peace of acceptance, a whole other issue. The event brought an abrupt change in your world. Life as you knew it or planned for it ceased. At the onset of grief, you experience excruciating numbness. When you are discouraged from or prevented from grieving, you are disempowered to act in your own behalf. Without the process of grief, recognition that your loss is real, and your emotions are real may be delayed or hindered.

Forgiveness is an enigma with several paradoxes. You let go of the blinding anger, but you still remember the experience. You let go of your need for revenge, but you can still hold the perpetrator accountable. You find peace from the searing emotional pain, but you still protect yourself, as much as possible, from further harm. You say, “I forgive,” and “never again,” in the same sentence. You allow yourself to feel and express your emotions without attachment to them. These paradoxes may make the way out of an emotional cloud into forgiveness bewildering. My recommendations for detangling the experience are:

• Counseling
• Journaling
• Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction^© (MBSR)
• Meditation
• Medication, if necessary—see your primary care physician to rule out physical conditions or a psychiatrist
• Spiritual or religious practices

Remember forgiveness is a process that takes time. Be patient and gentle with yourself and your process as it unfolds. Take good care of yourself.

Several years ago, a series of adverse events happened in my life. For legal reasons, I could not discuss the main incident that triggered the chain reaction. The dominoes continued to fall for several years. My desire for revenge took the form of wanting a better life for myself than I had with the people involved. However, my life got worse as triggered events continued to happen. To this day, the devastating effects of that occurrence on my life reverberate through my existence. Clearly, I am still grieving.

You forgive for yourself as you traverse the path to healing and recovery. Forgiveness is a process of self-care. You cannot change the event, the person(s) involved, or how they will act in the future. You cannot know how they feel about the situation. You can change your attitude toward the person by deciding to not carry them with you any longer, even if the person does not apologize or take responsibility for the hurt caused by her or his behavior. You can write a new narrative of how you want to proceed with your life. You gain insight into who you have become because of the event, and what is unshakable in you despite the event.

Forgiveness is linked to an array of health benefits, mental as well as physical, including:

• Increasing happiness
• Improving heart rate and blood pressure
• Reducing stress
• Boosting energy
• Relieving depression and anxiety
• Strengthening relationships
• Resolving conflict
• Enhancing gratitude and kindness

The importance of forgiving yourself cannot be overlooked. Honest introspection when you have caused pain and suffering to others is vital to your well-being. Here are some tips for forgiving yourself:

• Practice self-compassion.
• Look for the root of your behavior without seeking an excuse.
• If you were influenced by someone else, take steps to distance yourself from the person or to draw firm boundaries for future interactions.
• Identify your value that you violated and why that value is important to you.
• If feasible and safe, go to the person and offer your sincere apology, and restitution if appropriate and possible.
• Develop a plan for similar situations in the future.
• Discuss your situation with a counselor or someone else you trust.

You may still be held accountable for your behavior and face consequences as a result of the fallout. However, you will have peace in knowing you have done your best to make amends.

I once betrayed the trust of a close friend. Over the years, we saw each other in grocery stores and chatted pleasantly. Guilt and shame gnawed at me, but I did not say anything. I grieved the loss of our friendship and her trust in me. A few months ago, I called her and offered my apology. She was gracious and we had a cordial conversation. As we talked, I made peace with my behavior and began the journey from grief into self-forgiveness. The consequences of my behavior were emotional pain, guilt, shame, and remorse.

The power of forgiveness can transform your life. Forgiveness does not require you to be a hero; follow your heart and honor your process. Wherever you are on the forgiveness continuum, know that compassion for yourself and others paves the way to acceptance, peace of mind, gratitude, and emotional freedom.

Peace and Joy to you.

Billie Wade, writer

Self-expression is innate in every human being. Self-expression is the way we do things, whether we are conscious of it. Through self-expression we say, “This is who I am.” We share our authenticity.

We self-express in myriad ways through our hairstyle and our clothing, the way we talk and use words, body language, writing, art, music, our lifestyle, avocations and career. One person may self-express through beautiful and bountiful flower and vegetable gardens. Another person may self-express through the restoration of classic or damaged automobiles. Someone else may self-express through her or his skills as a surgeon. And yet another may self-express through her or his skills as a counselor or spiritual director. On and on the list goes. One of the many ways I self-express is through my writing, but I also use my organizational skills, my use of technology, my sense of fascination and curiosity, and my imagination.

Because self-expression reveals authenticity, it also means saying, “No,” or “Yes,” depending on our need at the time, the situation, or the people involved. Our ability to say “No” or “Yes” or to speak out is tied to our ability to self-express. Self-expression is about self-permission. We allow ourselves to say what we mean. We express our thoughts and emotions clearly with our words and actions. We let other people know they have violated our boundaries, and their actions are not okay.

Growing up and throughout most of my adult life, I did not speak up. I did not have opinions. I did not know that “No” was an option as well as a complete sentence. The same applied to “Yes.” I let other people talk me out of things I really wanted to do. Or worse, other people made decisions for me and I did not speak up in self-defense. Other people took credit for my work, sometimes with the full knowledge of those in charge. I endured the exploitation in stoic silence. When I did speak up my voice was often weak and ineffective. Very few people listened to what I had to say. Now, I am conscious of my values, my self-worth, my heart’s desires, and my freedom to speak. When I am hesitant, I search within and arrive at a decision that serves me. When I say “No” or “Yes” with conviction, I am also taking responsibility for my decisions. I take credit for my skills and accomplishments. I take ownership of things I do well. I acknowledge the Divine Presence that guides my life.

Self-expression can challenge us to be our best selves regardless of the judgment of others. Some people may deem our activities as silly or a waste of time or wrong. We may have to persevere against ridicule and criticism to let our heart’s passion express. I grew up in an alcoholic home. My father disapproved of my career choice when I earned my bachelor’s degree and became a substance abuse counselor.

Self-expression respects other people, opinions, beliefs, and ideas. Using it to hurt others also hurts the giver. Self-expression is a gift to share. We cultivate meaningful relationships. We look for solutions that benefit everyone concerned. We share our gift of individuality in ways that enrich our life and the lives of those we encounter.

Here are seven ways to self-express:

• Saying “Thank you” is a simple form of self-expression when someone treats us with compassion, kindness, and grace.
• Displaying a calming presence in the midst of dissention and chaos can deescalate a tense situation.
• Making amends and apologies can become a vehicle for our self-expression.
• Showing compassion and kindness benefits the giver as well as the receiver.
• Asking for what we want, and need, means others are in a better position to support us.
• Extending empathy and a generosity of spirit can lift someone’s mood for the rest of the day, fostering a sense of connection and rapport.
• Complimenting someone can elevate her or his spirits by sharing in their self-expression.

Be conscious of the ways you self-express. Are you sending the message you want to convey about who you are and what you are about? I invite you to spend some time celebrating your unique attributes. What life changes do you need to make to express your true Self and live with authenticity?

Conscious self-expression means allowing our true Self to shine. We temper our behavior in ways that promote amicable relationships and win-win outcomes. We express our emotions in a conscious, full, and open manner. We live our lives as art. Enjoy.

Billie Wade, writer

For more of Billie’s blogs, click here.

Last Fall, my counselor and I discussed the concept of “both/and” and how it applies to everyday life events. He suggested that I write about it. Little did I know I would live it so soon. I am working on a major project which has a lot of potential for a life-changing outcome. On the one hand, I feel energized and exhilarated. On the other, I well know that I am not in control, and I am working to accept the outcome, whatever that may be. A key to surviving this with my mental health intact is adapting to life in the tension between possibility and acceptance.

Living in possibility is a challenge. When I am in the tension, I feel anxious. I feel nervous. I feel several competing emotions. I feed myself negative messages. I sink into resignation rather than surrender to acceptance. All visions of positive possibilities evaporate.

There are ways to stay in the tension and use it to grow and transform. We must first recognize and acknowledge the stress. We must then identify its source. We must sort through the many disparate emotions vying for expression. We must permit ourselves to feel all of our emotions without judgment.

I would like to share an exercise that has worked for me. On a sheet of paper, make three columns with no headers. In the first column write the words acceptance, surrender, gratitude, and resignation. In the second column write the words tension, stress, patience, and peace. In the third column write the words hope, enthusiasm, perseverance, and naivete. Draw a circle around the word set in the second column. Draw arrows from the circle to each of the words in the other two columns. You now have a visual of the tension and possible peace that lie between the two poles. You can work with any of these twelve possible emotions or others that may come to mind. Choose the feeling that most appeals to you or that is tugging at you the strongest. Pray, meditate, write, or talk about it.

Dwelling in possibility means allowing yourself to see both sides of your situation and acknowledging that the outcome may surprise and please you. But unbridled enthusiasm and exuberance may cloud your ability to see the real picture. Possibilities in your favor exist but so do chances you may not get what you want. With acceptance and gratitude on the same side as resignation, slipping into resignation is easy. Your job is to do the work and have faith in the possibilities you want.

I have found that mindfulness techniques like holding tension with gentleness in your awareness allow you to acknowledge it without engaging with the discomfort. You can see the larger picture and identify your paradoxical emotions. How do you want to respond to the uneasiness? You can use any of the strategies from my blog post “23 tips to get through the holidays.” My go-to methods are journaling and talking with my counselor. Journaling will help you connect with your inner resources and gain confidence. Your counselor or spiritual director can help you identify your strengths and your options. You become more tolerant of the tension and more resilient to the effects.

A state of tolerance may not last long. How long you can stay in the tension and live with the discomfort depends on the level of the stress and your coping skills. To remain in both/and requires allowing the discordant emotions to coexist. You may find your feelings bouncing like a pinball as they emerge all at once. It is about finding balance and equilibrium and peace rather than comfort. Peace and comfort are not synonymous. The challenge is to remember, always, that peace is possible.

For me, the big key to peace is to recognize and acknowledge that you can withstand the discomfort between believing in your dream and realizing the outcome is beyond your control. You may have to do this exercise often. Peace may come in fleeting moments. Stay in peace as long as you can. Develop a mantra or ritual that helps ground you and brings you serenity. Write your disconcerting thoughts and internal messages. Counter them with words of strength and resilience. These words will give you fuel to keep going.

Remember why your dream is important to you. Reflect on how it will enhance and transform your life. What are the possibilities, wanted and unwanted? Write what success or an ideal outcome means to you and how you envision it. Make a “Dream Big” list of what you will do when your passion is successful. Review the list often and add to it as new ideas come to mind. Celebrate milestones as the situation unfolds. Enjoy the journey of bringing your vision into reality.

What is your plan if the outcome differs from what you desire? Make a list of other approaches that may bring your dream to life. Map out what it means if you do not get what you want. Make a plan for processing your disappointment. Make a Plan B, C, D, or even J or X. Brainstorm as many possibilities as you can. How can you prepare for what may be inevitable? When you are facing a dire situation, I encourage you to talk to someone you trust.

Living in the realm of both/and offers chances to stretch and exercise and strengthen emotional muscles. We can learn a lot about patience, surrender, gratitude, and perseverance. We can see multiple outcomes, wanted and unwanted. We are equipped to make better decisions. As much as you can, seek opportunities to look forward to living in potential. Living with both/and is challenging and possible.

Click here for Billie’s class:  The Healing Journal – Begins March 2019!

Billie Wade, writer

Billie Wade is a gregarious introvert whose primary interests are writing, lifelong learning, personal development, and how we all are affected by life’s vagaries. Issues facing black people, women, the LGBTQ community, and aging adults are of particular concern to her. She enjoys open-hearted dialogue with diverse people. The opinions expressed here are her own.

To read more of Billie’s blogs: www.dmpcc.org/Billie