Thank God for Disillusionment
Parker Palmer suggests that it is actually a good thing to be “disillusioned.” So, whenever I find myself saying “I feel disillusioned,” I am learning to say, “Thank you,” because I do not believe my life is better in any way by living in an illusion. One of the gifts of meeting with a Spiritual Director is the gift of disillusionment.
In one of our monthly conversations, I was particularly frustrated, and angry, with a loved one who was not willing to make a change that I believed was very important. Perhaps even more troubling, I was tormented by my inability to accept in my heart, that which I knew to be true in my head. I did not have the power to make them change in any lasting way. I had shared my concern. I had asked for them to change, but they were not willing to make the change.
I knew that, but I could not accept it for some reason.
Frustrated, I put my Spiritual Director on the spot. I sensed he had been where I was and had moved through the experience wiser and more at peace. I wanted that so badly for myself.
“How did you do it?” I asked. I thought he might give the question back to me, which is the usual way of spiritual direction. I respect and practice that myself, but sometimes the personal experience of the director is helpful. I am thankful that he sensed that this was one of those times.
He said, “One day I realized that the script I was following was simply not true.”
“What was that,” I asked.
“That if I was good, played by the rules, and did all of the right things, everything in my life would work out great.”
As I let his words sink in, I could feel my stone heart soften. “Me too.” I said.
Then, I had a strange vision. Actually, it was a memory of a scene from the movie, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” But it was indeed a sort of “vision” or epiphany.
Farris is a fun, playful, and mischievous teenager who everyone loves except his big sister, Jeanie. She despises him because he breaks rules, has a good time doing it and never gets caught.
Watching the movie as a teen, I could relate to her and I was not sure that I “approved” of the movie because of the way in which Ferris was presented as “the good guy.” After all, he was skipping school, sneaking out of the house and even crashing a Chicago parade by the end of the movie. He was not cruel or destructive. Still, he was not a very well-behaved young man.
As the movie draws to a close, Jeanie has been arrested as a result of the failure of her scheme to “bust” Ferris. She is sitting at the police station by a rough looking teenager in jeans and a leather biker jacket. As they talk, she expresses her anger and frustration about her brother:
Jeanie: All right, you want to know what’s wrong?
Young Man: I know what’s wrong, I just want to hear you say it.
Jeanie: In a nutshell, I hate my brother! How’s that? . . . He was ditching school. When I went home to check, some guy was there. The cops picked me up for making a “phony” call.
Young Man: What do you care if your brother ditches school?
Jeanie: Everybody else has to go.
Young Man: You could ditch . . .
Moments later we see them passionately kissing as her mother arrives to pick her up.
Not only did I recognize the false script that had me stuck, I also realized that I was not even the right person for the part. Beyond what is moral and loving, I am not all that interested in being well behaved. I never have been.
I am all about fun and mischief. I bristle at the words “should” and “ought.” I don’t believe “getting all of my work done before having fun” is even possible, and most importantly, I have come to accept that “seeking the best,” as if it were an actual destination, is toxic. “The best,” while inspirational as a general trajectory, is toxic when I think of it as a specific destination. Why? Because there is no “there” there. There is no objective way to define “the best” or even “my best.” I can always imagine better. I am never “good enough” if the measure of my effort or my being is “the best.”
I credit this awareness to another Spiritual Director who, upon noticing my tendency to use the phrase “my best self” in our conversations suggested, “Perhaps instead of worrying about whether you are always bringing ‘your best self’ to every situation, you might consider that it is okay to show up as your ‘good enough self.’
I am so glad she said that because I love that guy! He’s a hoot!
If you’re seeking deeper insight and guidance on your own spiritual journey, we invite you to explore the transformative opportunities available through spiritual direction at Mind & Spirit Counseling Center. Discover how you can connect with experienced mentors, like Chris, who can help illuminate your path. Read more here to learn and take the next step toward a more fulfilled spiritual life!
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