June 2022 Pride Month Focus

Paige Franzluebbers on June 22, 2022

The powerful impacts of accepting versus rejecting parent behavior on their LGBTQ+ children’s health & well-being

by Doug Aupperle, licensed psychologist

Doug Aupperle, Ph.D. Click to read Doug’s bio

It’s probably no surprise to anyone that parents have a profound impact on how their children develop, grow, and function in the world. However, research on the LGBTQ+ population has traditionally been scarce, and research related to the youngest members of that population and their families has been even more so. The Family Acceptance Project (FAP) of San Francisco State University began to shed some light on that, though, with some groundbreaking research over a decade ago. Their findings show just how powerfully parent and caregiver responses to their LGBTQ+ children really do impact their children’s mental and physical health and well-being now and into adulthood.

The researchers have conducted interviews with hundreds of families over the years and identified more than 100 types behaviors exhibited in response to their LGBTQ+ children’s identities. They found that about half of these behaviors could be categorized as accepting and the other half as rejecting. Then they evaluated the effects of these behaviors to see how they impact their LGBTQ+ children, and what they found was striking.

The study found that often the parents who were engaging in responses categorized as rejecting were actually motivated by care and concern for their children. These parents often reported being afraid for their LGBTQ+ child’s safety and concerned that their child’s identity would result in a more difficult life. In other cases, how closely the parents’ identities were tied to their children’s drove parental rejecting behavior. Parents with high levels of such identification felt personal shame and embarrassment regarding their children’s LGBTQ+ identities. They also felt intolerable distress over how it challenged the parents’ views and beliefs.

Regardless of the parental motivations for engaging in the rejecting behaviors, though, the resulting impact on their children was still the same. Compared to LGBTQ+ children whose parents are highly accepting, the research showed that those whose parents are highly rejecting are:

  • 8 times as likely to attempt suicide;
  • 6 times as likely to report high levels of depression;
  • 3 times as likely to use illegal drugs;
  • 3 times as likely to be at high risk for HIV and STDs.

When parental rejecting responses decrease even somewhat to more mixed/moderately rejecting levels, the risks, though still serious, also decrease. Compared to those with highly accepting parents, LGBTQ+ children experiencing mixed/moderately rejecting parental responses are:

  • 2 times as likely to attempt suicide;
  • 3 times as likely to report high levels of depression;
  • 1.5 times as likely to use illegal drugs;
  • 1.5 times as likely to be at high risk for HIV and STDs.

Parent responses also profoundly shape their children’s hopes and dreams for their lives. Nearly all LGBTQ+ children in the study with extremely accepting parents believed they could live happy, productive lives as adults, while only about a third of those did whose parents were not at all accepting.

The bottom line is that for parents who want to know how to best support their LGBTQ+ children, seeking out the educational resources and community support to help them best do so may be a truly life-giving and life-saving gift to their children. For those parents who are conflicted and struggling, taking steps to be even a little less rejecting and a little more supportive can still significantly reduce the risks for their children. As the saying goes, every journey begins with a single step.

Some Family Behaviors that Increase Your LGBTQ+ Child’s Risk for Health and Mental Health Problems BEHAVIORS TO AVOID

  • Hitting, slapping or physically hurting your child because of their LGBTQ+ identity
  • Verbal harassment or name-calling because of your child’s LGBTQ+ identity
  • Excluding LGBTQ+ youth from family events and family activities
  • Blocking access to LGBTQ+ friends, events, and resources
  • Blaming your child when they are discriminated against because of their LGBTQ+ identity
  • Pressuring your child to be more (or less) masculine or feminine
  • Telling your child that God will punish them because they are LGBTQ+
  • Telling your child that you are ashamed of them or that how they look or act will shame the family
  • Making your child keep their LGBTQ+ identity a secret in the family and not letting them talk about their identity with others

© Caitlin Ryan, Family Acceptance Project, 2009.

Some Family Behaviors that Reduce Your LGBTQ+ Child’s Risk for Health and Mental Health Problems & Help Promote Their Well-Being BEHAVIORS THAT HELP

  • Talk with your child or foster child about their LGBTQ+ identity.
  • Express affection when your child tells you or when you learn that your child is LGBTQ+.
  • Support your child’s LGBTQ+ identity even though you may feel uncomfortable.
  • Advocate for your child when he or she is mistreated because of their LGBTQ+ identity.
  • Require that other family members respect your LGBTQ+ child.
  • Bring your child to LGBTQ+ organizations or events.
  • Connect your child with an LGBTQ+ adult role model to show them options for the future.
  • Work to make your congregation supportive of LGBTQ+ members, or find a supportive faith community that welcomes your family and LGBTQ+ child.
  • Welcome your child’s LGBTQ+ friends & partner to your home and to family events and activities.
  • Support your child’s gender expression.
  • Believe your child can have a happy future as an LGBTQ+ adult.

© Caitlin Ryan, Family Acceptance Project, 2009.

References:

Ryan, C. (2009). Helping Families Support Their Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) Children. Washington, DC: National Center for Cultural Competence, Georgetown University Center for Child and Human Development.

Ryan, C., Huebner, D., Diaz, R. M., & Sanchez, J. (2009). Family rejection as a predictor of negative health outcomes in white and Latino lesbian, gay and bisexual young adults. Pediatrics, 123(1), 346-352.

Mental Health Advocacy Day at PCM

Paige Franzluebbers on April 18, 2022

Trey Voeller

 

Meet Trey Voeller, a junior at PCM (Prairie City Monroe) High School! Trey organized a Mental Health Advocacy Day at his school that included multiple speakers, over a dozen mental health organizations throughout Iowa, and the entirety of the student body.

Trey, standing in front of a few booths at the mental health fair

Trey standing in front of a few booths at the mental health fair

Staci sitting at the Center's booth

Staci sitting at the Center’s booth

Staci Fosenburg, a psychologist from the Center and a graduate of PCM, hosted a booth at the event. Staci said, “It was certainly a powerful experience to come back to PCM after all these years and to share what I’ve learned and value about mental health.”

Staci was so impressed by the event and Trey’s commitment to mental health advocacy that we decided to spotlight Trey’s hard work in a special blog post!

 

Shannon: Tell me about the event you organized at your high school.

Trey: The event was a mental health advocacy day for PCM High School students. It was an all-day event starting with a presentation, followed by a mental health fair, and ending with two more presentations. The first presentation was two adults from NAMI Central Iowa, Anglea Tharp, and McKenzie Lopez. Their presentation was about being a friend and identifying symptoms of different mental health issues. The mental health fair had 20 organizations from around central Iowa. These organizations were everything from therapy organizations to hospitals. Students came in eight different waves separated by grade and last name. These groups were small to keep personal conversations private. If there was still time, students could answer feedback posters. Finally, Eric Preuss spoke on behalf of Your Life Iowa. He talked about ways for students to reach out to get help, whether for themselves or a loved one struggling with mental health. Eric discussed where to go or who to go to with mental illness concerns and needs. The last speaker, a senior from Ottumwa, Iowa, was Lily Glenn. She spoke about her experience with mental health and anxiety and how she has found different activities and resources that help her.

Overall, the three speakers added personal stories that helped students learn that everyone has a different story, and they learned that people struggling with mental health issues are all around us. It was a very engaging day where students and the community came together to advocate for mental health.

After the event, I started to find student interest in a mental health club at our school. I am initiating a Stomp Out Stigma club which works through Please Pass the Love.

Shannon: What inspired you to host this event?

Trey: This past year I was accepted to serve on SIYAC (The State of Iowa Youth Advisory Council). This council works with the Iowa Department of Human Rights. On this council, I work on the health and service committees. On the health committee, I connected with many legislators from around the state during the 2022 Legislative Session. I learned that Iowa is 51st in the United States for mental health awareness and advocacy. When I took a step back, I was able to see how even in my community, mental health awareness is generally not discussed. We have a mental health day that allows us to play games, but students want resources when I asked them about the original mental health day. I decided to take a stand and get connections through the legislators I had met. One legislator that helped instrumentally is my Representative, Jon Dunwell.

Shannon: What were your goals for the event?

Trey: When I’ve been asked this question, there are two ways I would answer. The first is my personal story of fighting mental illnesses and being put in situations where I did not know what to do. I talked about how I was once in the position of holding the life of a friend. This situation helped me realize I never wanted to fear this situation because I did not know what to do, so I decided to inform those around me too! The other answer is, even if I impact one life or help someone save another life in the future, wouldn’t that be worth it? Isn’t one life worth all the effort?

Shannon: Tell me about how the event went and any feedback you heard from other students, teachers, or organizations who participated.

Trey: The Mental Health Advocacy Day went excellent. There were some bumps in the road with finding supplies and finalizing some of the information for the day. However, the day ran very smooth. The students received great resources with information. Students tried to get signatures from three tables, and they received them only if they had a meaningful conversation with the table presenter. Teachers were given snacks throughout the day with a sign that said, “Teacher Mental Health Matters Too!” Many teachers complimented the presenters because some of the past presenters at our school did not relate to students. Past presenters have often left students wondering, “How does mental health matter to us?” These presentations allowed them to be a friend, see the symptoms, how to reach out, and what to do to release the pressure from society. The organizations gave good feedback, and many said they hoped this event continued as they wished to attend again. I also had one organization say the communication I had with them made the entire day less nerve-wracking. Everyone, who attended and helped put this event together, created a network that benefitted everyone.

Shannon: What would you say to other students who care about mental health and want to make a difference?

Trey: If you want to make a difference, I would say you should advocate for it. Start by looking for a need/issue in your community. Then, bring awareness to that need/issue and inform others about what you want to change. We as youth have a voice, and some people are listening. Youth are the future, and when society invests in its future, it sets us up for success as leaders and future influencers. For students wanting to make a difference, you can find ways to get involved in your communities and around the state for these passions. For students who care about mental health specifically, look for what you are trying to get across. Mental Health is a broad subject with many smaller corresponding parts, and when you finalize the message you want to convey to others, a bigger impact can be made.

Shannon: Is there anything else you’d like our audience to know about you or the event?

Trey: I would like to thank Representative Jon Dunwell for financially supporting this event. Thanks to Mrs. Pohl for helping me plan this event and being my teacher advisor. Thank you to my mother and the Prairie City Police Department (Matt) for catering this event. Thank you to the organizations that came and gave resources to students, Newton HyVee for donating cookies, and the PCM School District for being accommodating. Lastly, I want to thank the Monroe Police Department, Monroe Presbyterian Church, and Monroe First Reformed Church for donating tables. This event was worth the effort, and I would recommend anyone to take the time to advocate for their passions and beliefs. Again, thank you to Representative Jon Dunwell and Ms. Samantha Pohl for supporting me with this entire process.

Staci sharing information with a student

Staci sharing information with a student

Tips for Nurturing and Protecting Children at Home

Allison Peet on April 9, 2020

This article was written by Childmind.org

Tips for nurturing and protecting children at home
Child Mind Institute

Parents everywhere are struggling to keep children healthy and occupied. If you’re anxious about how to protect and nurture kids through this crisis — often juggling work obligations at the same time — you’re in good (virtual) company. I know, as I write this from home, with my 2-year-old hovering, that we have a lot to figure out.  Here are tips from the Child Mind Institute’s clinicians to help calm fears, manage stress and keep the peace.

Keep routines in place
The experts all agree that setting and sticking to a regular schedule is key, even when you’re all at home all day. Kids should get up, eat and go to bed at their normal times. Consistency and structure are calming during times of stress. Kids, especially younger ones or those who are anxious, benefit from knowing what’s going to happen and when.

The schedule can mimic a school or day camp schedule, changing activities at predictable intervals, and alternating periods of study and play.

It may help to print out a schedule and go over it as a family each morning. Setting a timer will help kids know when activities are about to begin or end. Having regular reminders will help head off meltdowns when it’s time to transition from one thing to the next.

Be creative about new activities — and exercise
Incorporate new activities into your routine, like doing a puzzle or having family game time in the evening. For example, my family is baking our way through a favorite dessert cookbook together with my daughter as sous chef.

Build in activities that help everyone get some exercise (without contact with other kids or things touched by other kids, like playground equipment). Take a daily family walk or bike ride or do yoga — great ways to let kids burn off energy and make sure everyone is staying active.

David Anderson, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, recommends brainstorming ways to go “back to the 80s,” before the time of screen prevalence. “I’ve been asking parents to think about their favorite activities at summer camp or at home before screens,” he says. “They often then generate lists of arts and crafts activities, science projects, imaginary games, musical activities, board games, household projects, etc.”

Manage your own anxiety
It’s completely understandable to be anxious right now (how could we not be?) but how we manage that anxiety has a big impact on our kids. Keeping your worries in check will help your whole family navigate this uncertain situation as easily as possible.

“Watch out for catastrophic thinking,” says Mark Reinecke, PhD, a clinical psychologist with the Child Mind Institute. For example, assuming every cough is a sign you’ve been infected, or reading news stories that dwell on worst-case scenarios. “Keep a sense of perspective, engage in solution-focused thinking and balance this with mindful acceptance.”

For those moments when you do catch yourself feeling anxious, try to avoid talking about your concerns within earshot of children. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, step away and take a break. That could look like taking a shower or going outside or into another room and taking a few deep breaths.

Limit consumption of news
Staying informed is important, but it’s a good idea to limit consumption of news and social media that has the potential to feed your anxiety, and that of your kids. Turn the TV off and mute or unfollow friends or co-workers who are prone to sharing panic-inducing posts.

Take a social media hiatus or make a point of following accounts that share content that take your mind off the crisis, whether it’s about nature, art, baking or crafts.

Stay in touch virtually
Keep your support network strong, even when you’re only able to call or text friends and family. Socializing plays an important role in regulating your mood and helping you stay grounded. And the same is true for your children.

Let kids use social media (within reason) and Skype or FaceTime to stay connected to peers even if they aren’t usually allowed to do so. Communication can help kids feel less alone and mitigate some of the stress that comes from being away from friends.

Technology can also help younger kids feel closer to relatives or friends they can’t see at the moment. My parents video chat with their granddaughter every night and read her a (digital) bedtime story. It’s not perfect, but it helps us all feel closer and less stressed.

Make plans
In the face of events that are scary and largely out of our control, it’s important to be proactive about what you can control. Making plans helps you visualize the near future. How can your kids have virtual play dates? What can your family do that would be fun outside? What are favorite foods you can cook during this time? Make lists that kids can add to. Seeing you problem solve in response to this crisis can be instructive and reassuring for kids.

Even better, assign kids tasks that will help them feel that they are part of the plan and making a valuable contribution to the family.

Keep it positive
Though adults are feeling apprehensive, to most children the words “School’s closed” are cause for celebration. “My kid was thrilled when he found out school would be closing,” says Rachel Busman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. Parents, she says, should validate that feeling of excitement and use it as a springboard to help kids stay calm and happy.

Let kids know that you’re glad they’re excited, but make sure they understand that though it may feel like vacations they’ve had in the past, things will be different this time. For example, Dr. Busman suggests, “It’s so cool to have everyone home together. We’re going to have good time! Remember, though, we’ll still be doing work and sticking to a regular schedule.”

Keep kids in the loop — but keep it simple
“Talking to children in a clear, reasonable way about what’s going on is the best way to help them understand,” says Dr. Busman. “But remember kids don’t need to know every little thing.” Unless kids ask specifically, there’s no reason to volunteer information that might worry them.

For example, our two-year-old daughter Alice is used to seeing her grandparents regularly, but right now we’re keeping our distance to make sure everyone stays safe. When she asks about them we say: “We won’t see Grandma and Grandpa this week but we will see them soon!” We don’t say: “We’re staying away from Grandma and Grandpa because we could get them sick.” Older kids can handle — and expect — more detail, but you should still be thoughtful about what kinds of information you share with them.

Check in with little kids
Young children may be oblivious to the facts of the situation, but they may still feel unsettled by the changes in routine, or pick up on the fact that people around them are worried and upset. Plan to check in with younger children periodically and give them the chance to process any worries they may be having. Children who are tantruming more than usual, being defiant or acting out may actually be feeling anxious. Pick a calm, undistracted time and gently ask how they’re feeling and make sure to respond to outbursts in a calm, consistent, comforting way.

Sometimes the path of least resistance is the right path
Remember to be reasonable and kind to yourself. We all want to be our best parenting selves as much as we can, but sometimes that best self is the one that says, “Go for it,” when a kid asks for more time on the iPad. My daughter is watching Elmo’s World — and possibly drawing on the wall — as I write this. That shrill red Muppet is the only reason I’m able to write at all.

“We should forgive ourselves the image of perfection that we normally aspire to as parents,” says Dr. Anderson. “Maybe your kids don’t have TV or screens on the weeknights during the school year, but now that school is cancelled or online, we can give ourselves license to relax these boundaries a bit.  We can explain to our kids that this is a unique situation and re-institute boundaries once more when life returns to normal.”

Accept and ask for help
If you have a partner at home, agree that you’ll trade off when it comes to childcare. Especially if one or both of you are working from home and have younger children. That way everyone gets a break and some breathing room.

Everyone who can pitch in, should. Give kids age appropriate jobs. For example, teens might be able to help mind younger siblings when both parents have to work. Most children can set the table, help keep communal spaces clean, do dishes or take out the trash. Even toddlers can learn to pick up their own toys. Working as a team will help your whole family stay busy and make sure no one person (Mom) is overwhelmed.

“Be creative and be flexible,” says Dr. Busman, “and try not to be hard on yourself. You have to find a balance that works for your family. The goal should be to stay sane and stay safe.”

 

Thank you to the Viking Foundation of Lincoln

Terri Speirs on December 17, 2019

“Young people are the world’s greatest resource.”

Thank you to the Viking Foundation of Lincoln for providing generous, critical support for the children and adolescents who need high quality mental health services and are served through the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center’s C.O.O.L. clinic (Children Overcoming the Obstacles in Life).

The Viking Foundation is guided by a set of core values including “Young people are the world’s greatest resource.” We see that value come alive with the resources made available to help children heal from abuse and trauma, and learn to manage their depression, anxiety and other life challenges.

Since 2012 the Viking Foundation has supported the C.O.O.L. clinic with grants totaling $16,000 — providing critical support to thousands of young people plus their families. Funds have helped C.O.O.L. clinicians to build a premier treatment approach for children in Central Iowa to find hope and healing. Over the years, the Viking Foundation has provided art supplies, therapeutic toys, outdoor play equipment, children’s psychological testing materials, medical technology, clinical training and other accessories needed for COOL’s innovative, experiential approach to treating children and teens.

For more information on the Center’s C.O.O.L. clinic: www.dmpcc.org/COOL.

 

Carlos’ story

Terri Speirs on December 17, 2018

To demonstrate the power of counseling, we share the story of Carlos. We have changed the name and identifying details to preserve privacy.

“Sometimes it feels like my life is a roller coaster and counseling is my seat belt.” ~ Carlos

Carlos has experienced great hardship in his young life. He came to the United States five years ago at age three. He came with his mother, who migrated from Mexico to search for a job and security. But it hasn’t been easy for Carlos or his mother. Sadly, there has been much heartbreak. Carlos experienced abuse by another adult, and he witnessed violence upon his mother. Trauma has long-lasting effects on people, especially when it happens in childhood.

Carlos’ mother did not know where to turn for help. She works the nightshift at a low-wage job and has very little household resources, yet she found her way to a bilingual children’s counselor, Alicia Krpan, at the Center’s through it’s specialized services for children and adolescents, C.O.O.L. (Children Overcoming the Obstacles in Life). COOL is an experienctial approach to therapy, integrating art, play, food, sports, nature and music into the counseling process. Alicia provides services at the Center’s home facility and also at a satellite center in the Drake neighborhood. Both locations provide the a safe, welcoming place for children like Carlos to find hope and healing.

Alicia Krpan, t.L.M.H.C., bilingual counselor

“It has been such a privilege to help Carlos to know that the trauma he and his mother experienced was not his fault,” said his counselor Alicia. “He now knows that he did nothing wrong. In his counseling sessions I can remind him he is brave and beautiful and awesome.”

Alicia employed the use of a therapeutic sand table (more info here) to help Carlos communicate his concerns, and to help Carlos to understand that he can heal and become whole again.

Carlos and his counselor Alicia communicate in English, but his mother only speaks Spanish. It is scary for a parent to sign up their child for a service in a language they don’t understand. It could put the child in an awkward position of translating their own counseling sessions for their parents. However, counselor Alicia is able to speak with Carlos’ mother in Spanish and help her to understand the process. Carlos only needs to think about his own healing, and not how to explain it to his mother. Carlos can stay focused on being a child.

Sand Therapy

Terri Speirs on October 9, 2018

Sand therapy is a powerful therapeutic technique used by counselors at the Center to help clients process their trauma. It is especially useful to help children to find ways to communicate their experiences. Clients choose small objects that describe, say, their family or home. The skilled clinician will help the child explore their fears and experiences by asking questions about their choices of objects. The counselors helps the child to learn that healing is possible. (See last photo.)

Children learn that it is possible to heal. Sand objects in this photo represent a broken heart, a repaired heart and a patched heart.

For more information about C.O.O.L. (Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life) www.dmpcc.org/COOL

Hope and Healing for Children and Adolescents through C.O.O.L. (Children Overcoming the Obstacles in Life)

Billie Wade on September 11, 2018

By Billie Wade, guest writer and PrairieFire graduate

The Paint Wall is a signature aspect of C.O.O.L. Children and teens express their feelings by flinging paint, facilitated by a licensed therapist. photo courtesy of: Business Publications Corp.

September heralds the end of summer, cooler weather, shorter days, and the annual exodus to school. It’s time for students of all ages to head for the classroom. From kindergarten through adult learner, going to school can be a time of joy and excitement or a time of apprehension and trepidation. Students entering school for the first time or going to a new school may have some uneasiness and fear of the unknown. Students returning to school may feel a sense of exhilaration or a sense of dread. Parents see their children off to school feeling a host of emotions ranging from fear to relief.

Years ago, I read that children are not miniature adults. Children have stressors adults may not understand. Parents and teachers may be in a quandary about how to help and feel overwhelmed with the challenges of children in addition to those they already experience. A stressed-out parent still must pay the bills, put food on the table, and quite possibly maintain a job. A stretched teacher still must develop lesson plans, create tests, teach the class, and maintain a learning environment for all students. Growing up and learning how to interact with others is hard. Children need the adults in their environment to model civil behavior. When the adults misread or do not understand a child’s perspective, problems can arise.

Sara Swansen, and Grace Sherer, former clinicians at Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, recognized the mental health needs of children and their families and created a specialized clinical approach within the Center called C.O.O.L., Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life. They believed in children’s abilities to thrive, given a fertile environment. Since December 1999, the experiential program has helped thousands of children, 645 in 2017. C.O.O.L. aims to help children, adolescents, and their families navigate the murky waters of life’s challenges. C.O.O.L. meets children at eye-level with age- and developmentally-appropriate activities and services. Kelli Hill, Ph.D., director of clinical services and one of six clinicians facilitating the C.O.O.L. program, said,” “The C.O.O.L. waiting room and wing of the Center is designed specifically to help children and adolescents feel comfortable being here.”

Dr. Hill said children come to C.O.O.L. in varying stages of mental health and for sundry reasons, including divorce, separation in impending divorce, abuse and trauma, attachment concerns, bullying, life decisions, anxiety, and depression. When life stressors pile on, children respond in myriad ways including poor study habits and the resulting grades; withdrawal from family members, teachers, and classmates; anxiety; depression; low self-esteem; substance abuse; and, inappropriate behavior, Dr. Hill said. C.O.O.L.’s clinicians work with children ages two through college-age and assessment and evaluation services are available to children of all ages, even younger than two. Sometimes, siblings participate in C.O.O.L. and may see the same clinician or a different one. C.O.O.L. works through the child’s strengths and perspective, relying heavily on age-appropriate “play, art, music, literature, the outdoors and physical movement” in a highly spontaneous and creative environment. Dr. Hill shared with me that some children refer to the Center as their second home. Children usually attend the program biweekly, and more often if necessary. Clinicians customize the program to the unique needs of each child and her or his family. Some activities focus on the child and others focus on interactions with their families.

Dr. Hill told me bullying is a big problem in schools and can follow students through several school years. Social media has changed the landscape of bullying. No longer confined to recess, gym class, the school bus, and the walk to and from school, the harassment and torment invade children’s’ sanctuaries—their homes. Bullies now can Tweet, text, post, and email damaging messages to large numbers of people simultaneously. Usernames allow them to carry out their hurtful behavior in anonymity.

I loved school and learning, but my experiences there were not always pleasant. Shy, soft-spoken, and overweight, from an alcoholic, abusive family, I was bullied through fifth and sixth grades and junior high school. My parents were ill-equipped to address what I experienced. My father demanded good grades and grounded us for anything less than an “A.” My mother demanded good behavior and a trip to the principal’s office for her meant grounding for us, regardless of who was at fault. Fortunately, my brother, sister, and I rarely wound up in the principal’s office. My father grounded us for not fighting; my mother grounded us for fighting. Thirty-two years later, as a single parent, I was ill-equipped to help my son as he faced teacher-supported bullying. When he reported offenses to teachers, they accused him of being a trouble-maker or tattling. School administrators surprised me by making excuses for the bullies while blaming my son. Punishment for my son often exceeded that of the bully’s. Bullies tormented him through elementary, middle, and high school. I spent several afternoons in principals’ offices defending my son after a bully or a group of bullies attacked him.

Art and activity room for C.O.O.L. clients.

The holistic approach of the C.O.O.L. program reaches beyond a child’s need for physical safety to psychological and emotional safety. Children learn personal limits and gain confidence in their evolving bodies and identities. Finding the balance between giving a child too much rein and not enough can baffle adults. C.O.O.L.’s staff are there to bolster the parents and families as well as the child. They encourage children to explore and trust themselves, and they encourage parents to trust their child’s autonomy.

Dr. Hill said, “I get to come to work every day and watch the amazing growth and development of young people. I have a great opportunity to serve children and their families. We at C.O.O.L. feel blessed and honored to be on the journey of hope and healing with the children and adolescents.”

C.O.O.L. is a dynamic intervention for children and their families. Participants receive the support system and guidance that is so crucial to their development and their ability to engage fully in life’s opportunities and to face life’s challenges with confidence and courage. For more information about C.O.O.L. please visit www.dmpcc.org/COOL. To start the process to schedule an appointment for your child or adolescent, please visit www.dmpcc.org or call 515-274-4006.

Billie Wade, writer

Billie Wade is a gregarious introvert whose primary interests are writing, lifelong learning, personal development, and how we all are affected by life’s vagaries. Issues facing black people, women, the LGBTQ community, and aging adults are of particular concern to her. She enjoys open-hearted dialogue with diverse people. The opinions expressed here are her own.

To read more of Billie’s blogs: www.dmpcc.org/Billie

The Work of Play

Terri Speirs on February 24, 2018

by Grace Sherer

What is play? It is spontaneous, fun, free – a means with no end. A seemingly purposeless process from which springs joy. It is the creative expression of Self through every age and stage that says “I am alive!”

Play is about accessing that which is vital – the life spark. Play is not productive in a quantitative sense and it is not about rules. Play is not about winning and losing, but rather about presence and experience. Play is enormously significant for both children and adults.

There is growing evidence that the learning of emotional control, social competency, personal resiliency and continuing curiosity are accomplished largely through developmentally appropriate play experiences.

Play is the occupation of childhood. Play provides a space for the “greening” or development of the young Self. It is the mirror where the child first glimpses its Self as fun, beautiful, and worthy of the time and energy of another. It is where life experience is assimilated. It is where life experience is mastered. It is where life experience is communicated.

Play begins at a very young age. Babies play with their primary caregivers and vice versa. When a parent is smiling at an infant and the baby laughs spontaneously, it is the baby’s first experience of the joy found in relationship through play. These early play experiences transmit messages such as “you are very special” and “it is fun to be with you” and “it’s okay for you to change the rules or create something new.” Play is the activity that allows children to explore and master their world without fear of judgment.

Play is a presence that does not mete out rewards and punishments contingent upon performance. What is deemed “good” is just being together and celebrating whatever happens. There is little room for cautionary statements, admonishments, or limitations. Play becomes the medium for conversation and relationship.

Sometimes the conversation is issue specific as when a child recreates a divorce scene with toy animals in a sand tray. Sometimes the “conversation” is more abstract as when a child creates a shield with pictures cut out from magazines of things about herself that “protect” her in the world. Sometimes play relates to specific coping skills (e.g., tolerating frustration) and sometimes it is just about BEING in relationship (e.g., constructing an airport out of masking tape on the office floor).

This is what play is at C.O.O.L. (Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life), the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center’s child and adolescent program. It is the fort made from two chairs, a prayer shawl, a couple of bean bag chairs, and a construction paper sign. It is the child hiding under the bean bag chairs in the waiting room and a therapist who gingerly sits on top lamenting the “absence” of the child. It is a child stacking bean bag chairs on top of a therapist to build a volcanic mountain that erupts when the child climbs on top. It is the “Topsy Turvey Rule” that says, “If you win, you lose and if you lose, you win” that a child can invoke anytime during any game. Play in this context is not structured in a traditional sense but is free-form where rules are mutable and even able to be totally eliminated. Thus, a regular checkers game can become “give away checkers” where the goal of the game is to lose all your pieces rather than capture all the opponent’s pieces.

Many children come to C.O.O.L. fearful about being judged, fearful about being “less than,” fearful about losing and losing out. We live in a highly competitive world that tends to promote these kinds of fears. In play, children are often exposed to games that are only about winning and losing where the messages they seem to have learned are that you are only worthwhile
if you win, get an “A,” are first in line, etc. At C.O.O.L. we try to change that up. Games are over before there is a conclusion just to take out the competitive aspect.

“Rules” are changed over and over just because it might be fun or interesting to do so. What is immutable is the caring, spontaneously fun relationship between the child and therapist. At C.O.O.L. we have great belief in our kids. We believe that if we provide a safe and nurturing space for them and materials for them, that they will discover their true and beautiful Selves through creativity and play and relationship. We play structured games but play with the rules. We build forts and bridges and obstacle courses that are metaphors for self protection,  communication, and challenges in life. We foster play in relationship and we foster relationship through play.

It is not uncommon to see a therapist with a puppet in hand hiding behind the waiting room door and having the puppet greet the child.

Grace Sherer is a licensed pediatric psychologist, a former therapist at the Center, and founder of the Center’s C.O.O.L. clinical approach. Grace holds a master of arts degree in behavior analysis from Drake University. This timeless post was originally printed in the Center’s newsletter, November-December 2019 edition.

Oliver’s Story

Terri Speirs on September 29, 2017

Oliver is a thoughtful, curious first grader. With a backpack full of school supplies and a renewed sense of resilience, Oliver is classroom ready. But last year was different. He grew uninterested and aggressive. One day he stood in the middle of his kindergarten classroom and screamed. His worried parents knew he needed professional counseling but they worked multiple jobs and relied on public transit. It seemed impossible to find a qualified children’s counselor on a bus line, plus take unpaid time off from work.

This is where the good news comes in. Oliver’s teacher referred the family to the Center’s new counseling outreach program located in the same building as Oliver’s free afterschool program, in the heart of urban Des Moines. His parents signed him up and Oliver met with his counselor once a week. Oliver found a way to communicate his fears through art and play. His counselor taught him age appropriate methods to work through his anxiety. Now, Oliver is back to school and feeling strong.

We launched the counseling outreach program in February 2017 in partnership with Grace United Methodist Church and Trinity/Los Americas United Methodist Church. Referrals also come from Free Clinics of Iowa and the Des Moines Public Schools. We are excited to grow the program to serve more children like Oliver, and we invite you to join us. Will you please give a gift to help more children and families access quality counseling?

DonateNow

If you have questions or ideas, please contact Terri Speirs, director of development and marketing at (515) 251-6670, tspeirs@mindspiritcenter.org.

Thank you for your consideration!

(Name and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy.)

Jack’s story

Terri Speirs on July 24, 2017

Meet Jack

Jack is a brave, bright and kind child on the cusp of his teenage years.

Each morning he makes breakfast for his younger siblings and helps them get ready for school. Jack takes on more responsibilities as his mom descends into severe depression. Though Jack is growing into his own maturity, he is too young to understand how physical, sexual and emotional abuse has traumatized his mom. All he knows is she cannot get out of bed. Jack feels a confusing mix of anger, sadness and compassion.

To sort out his complex emotions, Jack meets with a counselor in the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center’s C.O.O.L. practice (Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life). C.O.O.L. is the Center’s specialized counseling approach that integrates play, art and physical movement to help young people communicate their inner life.

In his therapeutic artwork, Jack creates landscapes of his life before and after his mother’s depression. His counselor is trained to help Jack articulate his artistic choices.

“I feel comfortable and safe here,” said Jack about his counseling experience. He knows his mom cannot fully provide right now and he does not blame her. He is hopeful his mom will get better.

*Jack is a pseudonym. Identifying factors have been changed to ensure privacy.