Executive Director’s Blog: Good Grief

Jim Hayes on May 8, 2017

May 2017 – A reflection by Jim Hayes, Executive Director, Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center

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My mother, Winifred (Winnie) Grace Hayes, died April 24, 2017, after a three year dance with pancreatic cancer.

We all face death, dying, grief, and the support necessary to endure at various points in our lives. I have spent a good bit of my career walking with and counseling folks who have lost a loved one. As I recently mentioned to a colleague here at the Center, when it comes to grief there’s a big difference between the theoretical and experiential. As one of my favorite writers, Flannery O’Connor, put it in one of her letters (collected in The Habit of Being), “pity the one who loves what death can touch.”

It’s disorienting. As much as I like my new job, I find myself regularly distracted as I think of my Mom—or my Dad who is now navigating life without his wife of 59 years. I worry. You reach out to pick up the phone and then realize it won’t be answered. It hurts.

One of the great benefits about working here at the Center is that I’m surrounded by folks whose job is to be sensitive and empathetic. Their concern is sincere as they ask me how I’m doing.  Like many people in our lives, my perfunctory response is that “I’m fine.” Usually I am. When I’m not, it’s nice to be able to open up a bit. One of those colleagues gave me a bookmark which we hand out to those who have lost someone. It captures this quote from Helen Keller: “What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes part of us.”

We distribute or reference many books on grief here at the Center. Among the popular authors is James E. Miller, who just happened to live across the hall from Ellery Duke in grad school. Miller’s books are eminently practical. In his book, “How Will I Get Through the Holidays?” he enumerates 10 ways to cope:

  1. Accept the likelihood of your pain.
  2. Feel whatever it is you feel.
  3. Express your emotions.
  4. Plan ahead.
  5. Take charge where you can.
  6. Turn to others for support
  7. Be gentle with yourself.
  8. Find a way to remember.
  9. Search out your blessings.
  10. Do something for others.

Many who visit us for counseling and spiritual direction have been touched by death and grief. I am so grateful that they will find at the Center a place of hope and healing as they go through the grieving process.

James E. Hayes, D. Min., M. Div., Executive Director, Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center

Thank you for all you do to make our mission possible.

Jim

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Read more from Jim’s blog: dmpcc.org/Jim

Read more Health Tips from the Center: dmpcc.org/healthtips

The Center at 45 Years

Jim Hayes on April 17, 2017

April 2017 – A reflection by Jim Hayes, Executive Director, Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center

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6 April 1972. Ring a bell?

That date, 45 years ago, was when the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center was formally incorporated. How do I know this? One of the first things Ellery Duke (executive director 1976 – 2016) provided me when I arrived in December 2016 was a faded and only slightly tattered copy of the board of directors’ minutes of the first four years of the Center.

It’s a great read, thanks to Glenna Evans, who was the secretary for all those meetings. She has a distinctive voice and wry wit as she captures some of the drama of our first years. The document begins with a thematic “This is Your Life” summary, based on the popular TV show of the day.

Click page to launch a readable version of the Center’s history, “This is Your Life” by Glenna Evans.

I often think of Glenna, of Dr. Ray Martin, our Founder and all the others who have made this mission possible—and vibrant. Reflecting on their efforts inspires gratitude. We had cupcakes at our April staff meeting to commemorate the 45th.  As our 50th anniversary arises on the horizon of our consciousness, I hope that we can put together a quality history of the many great stories of hope and healing that occurred over the decades. We’ll also need to have an appropriate celebration on or around 6 April 2022. Pencil it in!

James E. Hayes, D. Min., M. Div., Executive Director, Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center

Until then, thank you again for the many ways you support us and inspire our mission.

Jim

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Read more from Jim’s blog: dmpcc.org/Jim

Greetings from our new executive director, Jim Hayes

Jim Hayes on January 16, 2017

“Start where you are, with what you have. Make something of it and never be satisfied.” -George Washington Carver

James E. Hayes, D. Min., M. Div.

James E. Hayes, D. Min., M. Div.

January 2017 – I am so grateful to begin work here at the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center. I thank those I have already met for the many ways you have welcomed me to this talented place. One of my first steps in taking on my new role is to listen to the wisdom of the community. I am meeting with staff, board members, donors and various constituencies in the community who have a stake in our success. I have also been privileged to have a good bit of time with Ellery before his official retirement.

All of these rich conversations reminded me of the above Carver quote. He is near the top of my pantheon of influences for a number of reasons. First, he attended Simpson College and Iowa State University, my most recent places of employment. Next, his steadfast hope in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles, which was based in a vision of potential and opportunity rather than despair. Finally, he was a person of action. In another famous quote, he states: “No individual has any right to come into the world and go out of it without leaving behind him distinct and legitimate reasons for having passed through it.”

As we begin the next chapter of the inspiring history of the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, my heart is filled with gratitude. Let me borrow Carver’s quote to explain why:

Start where you are…

The Center began in April, 1972—nearly 45 years ago. The leadership and commitment of all involved in this work is truly inspiring. What began as a simple idea at First United Methodist Church and the vision of Dr. Ray Martin, has blossomed into this wonderful organization that brings hope and healing into the lives of so many. I have the privilege of following a man of many gifts, Ellery Duke. As the board put it in the search process, it’s a vibrant organization, so don’t break it! No pressure.

with what you have.

My life has been filled with blessings and generous people, beginning with my family. My retired parents passed along the gifts of faith and core values which have served me well. Dad was a mechanic and Mom a school teacher. They taught us the value of hard work and the potential for education to make for a fulfilled life. I took that to heart in my studies. As my dean at Simpson once said, “Jim has more degrees than a thermometer.” I am most proud of the instilled value to serve others and seek justice. It is one of the reasons I made the move to the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center. I am inspired by the commitment made at all levels of this institution to make sure that quality services are available to anyone seeking hope and healing.

Make something of it and never be satisfied.

I look forward to meeting folks throughout our service region to better understand how the Center is already in a position of strength, but also to think strategically about how to marshal our resources in such a way that we can make an even bigger impact on the people and places touched by brokenness or despair. Healing and hope are as needed today as they have ever been. George Washington Carver understood that. I am excited to take on my new role at DMPCC to join all of you in sharing in this important mission.

Jim

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James E. Hayes, D.Min., M.Div.,  is the Executive Director of the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center. For his bio and links to his posts, please see dmpcc.org/Jim