The courage to seek intimacy

Richard Douglass on December 11, 2017

Dick Douglass, L.I.S.W.

by Dick Douglass, L.I.S.W., therapist at the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center. Dick has been practicing mental health counseling with adolescents, adults and couples for 44 years.

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The men I meet in my role as a counselor these days seem to share a main concern— intimate relationships in their lives. That may not surprise you, but it opens my eyes a little when I think of the stereotype of men as avoiding emotionally intimate relationships.

Men may be grieving the loss of a significant relationship through death or divorce. They may be aware of a pervasive loneliness and seeking a partner. They may be in a relationship that is working pretty well but that they feel can be enriched. They may be in a relationship so fraught with conflict and pain that they’re not sure it can be saved.

But they are concerned enough that they will seek counseling. To do that is to risk being emotionally vulnerable which, in my mind, is a distinct act of courage and self-care.

It takes courage to share our sense of our limitations, our sense of failures in our lives, our feelings of confusion. It takes courage to more fully embrace our emotional life including our fears and shame—a feeling many of us are uncomfortable acknowledging even to ourselves. It takes discipline to shift the focus from the glaring faults of the “other” to our own feelings, thoughts and actions. In fact, why do it? What men teach me is that their exploration yields them a greater awareness of themselves, a clearer and more affirming sense of self, and a greater capacity to connect emotionally with significant people in their lives. To me, it’s a little like choosing to live life in full color rather than in gray.

Lately, I have recommended an author to everyone who is interested in improving intimate relationships. John Gottman has researched marital relationships for many years and has written several books. If you’re interested, you might look at The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Here are just a few highlights that may catch your interest. Gottman spots four behaviors that are toxic in intimate relationships: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling (withdrawing, refusing to engage.) He calls these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to emphasize their destructive impact on relationships and the urgent need to eliminate them.

Beyond these basics, he takes us on a journey toward relating more effectively (and affectively) to our significant other. He starts with the belief that we all seek emotional connection in our lives. He alerts us to his idea of the “bid.” Bids are gestures, sounds, expressions, words we make (positive or negative) indicating our wish to connect to a person. One key issue is how can we make effective emotional bids; another issue is how can we notice, interpret and constructively respond to bids our partner makes.

He also encourages us to nurture appreciation for our significant other and has very practical suggestions for how to do this working together.

Other “gems” are his encouraging us to be aware of different personality types So we ask, “What type am I?”

“What type is my partner?” This takes us in the direction of being mindful and constructive in dealing with differences.

We’re then invited to explore how our childhood and prior experiences affect our responses to our significant other in the present. To me, this is a gold mind of understanding that can free us from chronic patterns unconsciously carried over from the past.

There’s much more in the book; practical self-tests and exercises that help put ideas into action. When I read this book, I always feel hopeful, like someone has provided a map through and out of the proverbial woods into a place of greater freedom, light and love.

I hope you’ll experience Gottman’s work for yourself.

Resources:
www.gottman.com
John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage
Work, 2015.

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For more blog posts about mental health for men and boys: www.dmpcc.org/men

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If you are still making end of year philanthropy decisions, please consider helping children, teens and adults who need access to mental health counseling and education.DonateNow

Heath Tip: Coping with Illness during the Holidays

Terri Speirs on November 29, 2017

Dr. Christine Dietz

By Christine A. Dietz, Ph.D., L.I.S.W., Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center

 

Living with cancer or a chronic illness is challenging at the best of times, but especially during the winter holidays. Although it may be a joyful time of year, when we are ill we may feel too tired, depressed or anxious to celebrate. We may also feel overwhelmed with expectations (ours or others’) to do everything we’ve always done. We may feel obligated to be happy and cheerful while feeling sad and scared inside. How can we celebrate a meaningful holiday season while dealing with illness?

Holidays are “holy” days – days of holiness and days of wholeness, days to which we bring our whole selves. The words “holiness” and “wholeness” are connected in many languages, as are the words “wholeness” and “wellness.” Holiness means bringing our whole selves to whatever we are doing, from whatever state of wellness we are in at present. If we need to receive more than give at a particular time, then wholeness means acknowledging that and making decisions and plans that reflect our needs to receive as well as give.

The winter holidays take place at the solstice, when the days have reached their shortest point and light begins to increase.  One meaning of these holidays is to celebrate light in darkness, the turn from the darkest days toward ever increasing light. This is expressed in different ways in different religious traditions – by lighting candles, celebrating the solstice or the newness of birth. These holidays bring attention to the coexistence of both light and darkness. Making room for that both/and thinking can help us celebrate meaningful holidays while dealing with illness. Maybe we can be both tired and grateful for the love of family. Maybe we can participate in a holiday celebration and also attend to needs for rest and quiet. By being mindful of our needs and experiences in each moment, we will be better able to determine how we want to participate in holiday celebrations.

As you consider how you want to celebrate this year, it is helpful to think about what these holidays mean to you. You may want to reflect on some or all of the following questions:

  1. What is special about this holiday for you?
  2. What are its most important aspects?
  3. What family or personal traditions are most meaningful to you in this holiday?
  4. What do you need from this holiday this year?
  5. What balance would you like to achieve between giving and receiving? What would you like to give? What would you like to receive?
  6. How might you bring holiness into this holiday?

Holidays can be stressful, even when they are very meaningful. This can be particularly true when you or a loved one is dealing with cancer or another chronic illness. When we are depressed or anxious, the holidays can be a time of dread, especially when we have high expectations that we feel unable to meet. Allow time for rest and reflection as well as time to be with whatever painful feelings arise during this time. Take extra care to find a supportive person with whom to share these feelings. Try to cultivate a both/and perspective: I can feel sad AND loving at the same time; I may be anxious AND I can still enjoy this holiday music/event/tradition, etc. And avoid overdoing – overspending, overexerting, over-expecting.

Here are some things to consider as the holidays approach:

  1. Focus on the most meaningful aspects and traditions of the holiday. Develop your own rituals, such as a gratitude practice or sharing meaningful stories and memories, to celebrate these moments.
  2. Don’t try to make this holiday season exactly the same in previous years – adapt your celebration to fit your current health situation.
  3. Use this opportunity to develop more meaningful and less stressful traditions.
  4. Rest even more than usual – emotional stress is exhausting.
  5. This year, learn to receive. Connect to spiritual teachings about receiving within your tradition. Allow others the joy of giving to you.
  6. Delegate some of your usual tasks and responsibilities to others.
  7. Use stress management techniques – breathing, mindfulness, relaxation, visualization, journaling, body work and exercise.

With attention to the holiness of the holidays as well as our own wholeness and wellness, we can create meaningful holiday celebrations, in spite of illness.

Christine Dietz is a licensed independent social worker, spiritual director and Reiki Master. She is the Center’s Director of Clinical Training. She received her M.S.W. from the University of Iowa and her Ph.D. in Sociology from the State University of New York at Buffalo. She is a graduate of the Lev Shomea Training Program for Spiritual Direction in the Jewish Tradition. Christine’s focus in counseling is on helping people reconnect to their innate wholeness and renew their sense of hope and possibility. She works with people experiencing anxiety, depression, OCD, trauma, life transitions, chronic illness, grief and loss, and relationship issues. She also offers individual and group spiritual direction to people from all faith traditions. She is a member of the National Association of Social Workers and Spiritual Directors International.

For more Health tips from the Center: www.dmpcc.org/healthtips

A request from Jim Hayes, Executive Director (Nov/Dec 2017)

Jim Hayes on November 25, 2017

iStock

“Counseling saved my life.”

I am amazed at how many times I’ve heard this refrain during my first year as executive director of the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center. We are grateful for the broad base of community support that makes possible the Center’s mission of hope and healing for people of all ages, and all walks of life. Together, we are saving lives.

I am asking you to consider going above and beyond by giving a year-end gift to the Center. Your donation will help provide critical mental health counseling and education to vulnerable people in our community.

Last year the Center served more than 3,700 individuals including 645 children and adolescents. Additionally, we launched several new and innovative services including:

  • Spanish speaking counseling services
  • Monthly support group for survivors of suicide loss
  • Urban outreach center in the Drake neighborhood to serve vulnerable children and families
  • Expanded capacity to provide free or low cost counseling to people in need

James E. Hayes, D. Min., M. Div., Executive Director, Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center

Mental health needs in Central Iowa persist and we are asking for your support. Will you please help with a tax-deductable gift? Thank you for your consideration — and thank you if you have already given an end of year gift.

Please contact me at any time with questions or ideas. Wishing you and yours a blessed holiday season.

Sincerely,

James E. Hayes, D.Min., M.Div. / Executive Director

515-274-4006, ext. 114 / jhayes@mindspiritcenter.org

P.S. A gift from you to the Center provides a lifeline to children, adolescents and adults. Will you please donate?DonateNow

Let’s talk about grief

Terri Speirs on September 13, 2017

special to the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, September 2017

By Billie Wade

Billie Wade, writer

Grief, despite its proliferation in human life, is a taboo subject. We don’t like to see other people hurting, so we ply each other with platitudes of hope. Grief has a bad reputation, at least when it lasts more than a predetermined period. We appear strong as we handle the whirlwind of initial responsibilities. After that, we’re expected to bounce back, buck up, get over it, and get on with our life. Bereaved people are perceived to be in a state of weakness.

Within days of the loss, we are expected to be back in the full swing of life as we begin our adjustment to a “new “normal. Friends and family members no longer stop by or call to check on us or invite us to coffee or dinner. We no longer hear the words, “Let me know if you just need to talk.” They observe, “She’s so strong. Her husband passed away a month ago, she’s returned to work, and she’s looking great!” “Well, you know, his wife was sick for a long time. He’s probably relieved.” “She’s so vibrant and savvy. She’ll have a new job in no time.”

People referring to grief typically are talking about the loss of a loved one, but grief encompasses so much more. Other losses may be just as devastating, and wreak as much havoc in our lives. Grief can happen in minute quantities that we may not notice consciously. Some losses may be almost imperceptible and bind to existing losses, forming a tangled ball of grief. I grieved the loss of my auburn-brown hair as it gave way to mixed gray, which in reality was the grieving of the loss of my youth and an acknowledgment of years of hard experiences and choices.

Grief in everyday life can’t be overlooked or de-emphasized, but it can be over-simplified. Various “experts” have laid out identifiable phases of grief: shock, numbness, denial, bargaining, anger, depression, sadness, and acceptance, characterized by a host of predictable and observable signs and symptoms. Cut-and-dried stages, while useful for research and treatment protocols, fall short of capturing individual experience and rob the griever of valuable support, insight, and transformation. An undercurrent of deeper meaning flows in spite of the phase. The woman grieving the loss of her job may be grappling with issues of identity, trust, faith, shame, and fear of an uncertain financial future. The man grieving the loss of his wife or partner may be battling overwhelming feelings of guilt, regret, the loss of partnership, and lack of direction. People grieving the loss of a pet may be feeling the emptiness of the companionship and no longer caring for another living being.

When we reach the “destination” of acceptance, we supposedly are healed and ready to move on with life. But, we humans don’t neatly fit into prescribed categories, and grief is rarely precise and tidy. We may ping-pong among the various phases, we may feel several simultaneously, or we may skip some entirely. The gamut of attendant feelings and the manner in which each person traverses them are as unique as fingerprints.

Acceptance means seeing a situation as it is, and knowing that it, and the people involved, won’t change. We need time and support to adjust to our new normal. Grief catapults us into previously unknown territory and requires a new language. Acceptance is a process that unfolds as we face each new day. We may integrate acceptance into our lives, several times. Or, we may bounce off acceptance like a force field. For instance, we may feel anger, sadness, and acceptance all at the same time. We may find ourselves at different points of the grief continuum in multiple situations.

Every experience of grief differs from its predecessor. My sister, my mother, and my partner died within a thirteen month period, my mother and partner ten weeks apart. I grieve each of them differently, but no less intensely, as they each played a different role in my life. I love them all for different, but no less important, reasons. Their lives brought value to mine in unique ways.

We need to be wary when someone tries to stuff us into a phase, or ridicules or discounts us about where we are in our grief. We feel what we feel when we feel it. Several years ago I grieved my father as he suffocated over a two-year period from lung cancer, emphysema, and asthma. Therapists and counselors call this “anticipatory grief.” A friend of mine was adamant that I couldn’t grieve my father ahead of his passing. He couldn’t understand that I was grieving the relationship that I could never establish with my father, in addition to watching him die slowly. I had been grieving the physical and emotional absence of my father my whole life, and those feelings intensified with his impending death. I appeared stoic at my father’s visitation, which my friend deemed inappropriate. He subsequently ended our relationship because I was “doing it wrong.”

The grief I have experienced was in addition to and different from the bouts of depression and anxiety I live with on a daily basis. I benefitted from honoring the directives of my body—eating and sleeping when I needed to rather than trying to adhere to a rigid schedule, maintaining my social support system and continuing with professional counseling. I learned what was right for me. For awhile, I needed a specific time to go to bed and to get up in the mornings. That schedule gave me a sense of control when everything else felt out of control. I took naps when I needed to without setting the alarm.

Grief is a universally human process. All grieving deserves respect and compassion, from ourselves as well as from others, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

Billie Wade is a gregarious introvert whose primary interests are writing, lifelong learning, personal development, and how we all are affected by life’s vagaries. Issues facing black people, women, the LGBTQ community, and aging adults are of particular concern to her. She enjoys open-hearted dialogue with diverse people. The opinions expressed here are her own.

Post 3 :: Men/Boys and Mental Health: Suicide Prevention Awareness

Terri Speirs on September 10, 2017

Scott Young, Ph.D.

By Dr. Scott Young, licensed psychologist at the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center

(September 2017) Hi All! For our blog topic this month, I want to open a discussion about a tough topic. September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and while this is an important topic for us all to consider, it is especially important to open a dialogue with boys and men about suicide. For various reasons, we know from the Center for Disease and Control and Prevention (CDC) that girls and women are far more likely (3x) to ATTEMPT suicide during the course of their lives; however, we also know that boys and men are far more likely to COMPLETE suicide (3.5-4x) than girls and women.

Furthermore, we know from a recent study at the University of Iowa, that farmers have been particularly vulnerable to the lure of suicide since the farm crisis of the 80s and continuing today. I’d like to give just a few more statistics to drive home how important this discussion really is to we Iowans. Suicide is the 9th leading cause of death overall, here in Iowa, and is the 2nd leading cause of death among Iowans age 15-34. In my clinical practice, I’ve also seen a deeply troubling trend toward more suicidality among our teenagers.

The above statistics make a chill run down my spine, and are very sobering. They also highlight some opportunities for all of us, male and female, to examine how we can play a part in changing the lives those statistics represent. It is within all our power to educate ourselves on risk factors, signs of risk for suicide, and ways to help ourselves and/or others who face thoughts of suicide. To that end, I’d like to share some thoughts and resources in the hopes they may prove helpful to you.

  • No one is immune to the effects of suicide. While I’ve shared above some demographic information about particular risks, anyone can be struggling!
  • Most people who experience suicidal thoughts are in great pain and/or have suffered great loss, such as loss of job, romantic partnership, respect, or legal freedoms. To view people who struggle with suicidal thoughts and behaviors as “weak” downplays their pain, and ignores that we all could find ourselves in their shoes.
  • People who have supportive relationships and communities, including religious and spiritual communities, are less likely to suicide. They are also more likely to receive treatment for underlying physical and mental health concerns that put them at risk for suicide.
  • When in doubt, don’t hesitate to talk about suicide! There is no evidence that asking someone or talking about suicide “puts the idea in their head.” Since males can often receive messages about being the “strong silent type”, we especially need others to check in with us about suicide so we can feel ok to open up. Even if someone is shocked or mad on the surface because you asked, doesn’t mean you were wrong to ask out of care and concern.
  • Men are less likely to seek help for many health concerns, especially traditional mental health help. Don’t assume that anyone who may be struggling with suicidal thoughts is getting help, or that others know and are taking care of that person!
  • There are supports available. Whether for you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, reaching out for help can be the most difficult and important thing. Resources for help can be found through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention at: https://afsp.org/find-support/. You can also seek emergency assistance from a local hospital or 911 call, and non-emergency assistance from the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center at (515) 274-4006.
  • For more information, please see the following resources:

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Men/boys and mental health, more blog posts here: www.dmpcc.org/men

 

Survivor of Suicide Loss Support Group for women and men: 

The Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center offers a monthly support group for survivors of suicide loss. It matters not how long ago your loss. For more information: www.dmpcc.org/survivor

Jack’s story

Terri Speirs on July 24, 2017

Meet Jack

Jack is a brave, bright and kind child on the cusp of his teenage years.

Each morning he makes breakfast for his younger siblings and helps them get ready for school. Jack takes on more responsibilities as his mom descends into severe depression. Though Jack is growing into his own maturity, he is too young to understand how physical, sexual and emotional abuse has traumatized his mom. All he knows is she cannot get out of bed. Jack feels a confusing mix of anger, sadness and compassion.

To sort out his complex emotions, Jack meets with a counselor in the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center’s C.O.O.L. practice (Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life). C.O.O.L. is the Center’s specialized counseling approach that integrates play, art and physical movement to help young people communicate their inner life.

In his therapeutic artwork, Jack creates landscapes of his life before and after his mother’s depression. His counselor is trained to help Jack articulate his artistic choices.

“I feel comfortable and safe here,” said Jack about his counseling experience. He knows his mom cannot fully provide right now and he does not blame her. He is hopeful his mom will get better.

*Jack is a pseudonym. Identifying factors have been changed to ensure privacy.

Understanding and treating “self-injury”

Terri Speirs on June 26, 2017

by Alison Li, L.I.S.W., therapist at the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center

Alison Li, L.I.S.W.

(June 2017) People cope with stress and emotional pain in many ways: exercise, alcohol, eating chocolate, meditation, using drugs, therapy, self-injury. All of these can be effective coping mechanisms in the short-term; not all, however, are effective in the long-term.

Self-injury, also called deliberate self-harm, is the act of intentionally hurting one’s body for purposes that are not socially recognized, and without suicidal intent. The most common form is cutting, although it can take many forms. It usually starts early in life, around adolescence. Studies have found that 12-24 percent of young adults have self-injured, and that around 6 – 8 percent chronically self-injure.

The reasons for self-injuring are diverse, but share a common theme of providing a release or relief for overwhelming negative emotion or emotional pressure. Sometimes, it is a way of feeling physical pain in the face of overwhelming emotional pain, or as a way to “feel something” when an individual feels emotionally numb. It can also be used as a means of coping with anxiety.

Self-injury is often misunderstood as suicidal behavior. In fact, individuals who self-injure are doing so in order to cope with overwhelming negative feelings, and most studies find that self-injury is often used as means of avoiding suicide. Self-injury is also often misunderstood by family and friends as a means of getting attention, or as “manipulative” behavior. While attention is often a result of an individual injuring themselves, this is usually an unintended outcome – most people who self-injure do so in private, make great attempts to hide their injuries, and often feel shame or guilt about the injurious behavior.

Effective treatment of chronic self-injury ideally involves working with a therapist to address not only the cutting or injurious behavior, but also the underlying triggers and causes. In addition, it can be very helpful for family members to participate in the therapy, in order to educate themselves about how to best support their loved one through the recovery process.

To learn more about self-injury, an excellent resource is the Cornell Research Program on Self-injury and Recovery. They provide information for individuals who self-injure, as well as family, friends, and youth serving professionals. They can be found online at http://www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.edu.

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Alison Li is one of 26 clinicians at the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center. One of her treatment specialties is self-injury. To make an appointment with her, or another counselor at the Center, call 515-270-4006. The Center’s mission is to bring hope, healing and understanding to people of all ages through mental health counseling, psychiatry and education. For more information please visit our website: www.dmpcc.org or find us on Facebook.

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For more Health tips from the Center: www.dmpcc.org/healthtips

Executive Director’s Blog: Good Grief

Jim Hayes on May 8, 2017

May 2017 – A reflection by Jim Hayes, Executive Director, Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center

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My mother, Winifred (Winnie) Grace Hayes, died April 24, 2017, after a three year dance with pancreatic cancer.

We all face death, dying, grief, and the support necessary to endure at various points in our lives. I have spent a good bit of my career walking with and counseling folks who have lost a loved one. As I recently mentioned to a colleague here at the Center, when it comes to grief there’s a big difference between the theoretical and experiential. As one of my favorite writers, Flannery O’Connor, put it in one of her letters (collected in The Habit of Being), “pity the one who loves what death can touch.”

It’s disorienting. As much as I like my new job, I find myself regularly distracted as I think of my Mom—or my Dad who is now navigating life without his wife of 59 years. I worry. You reach out to pick up the phone and then realize it won’t be answered. It hurts.

One of the great benefits about working here at the Center is that I’m surrounded by folks whose job is to be sensitive and empathetic. Their concern is sincere as they ask me how I’m doing.  Like many people in our lives, my perfunctory response is that “I’m fine.” Usually I am. When I’m not, it’s nice to be able to open up a bit. One of those colleagues gave me a bookmark which we hand out to those who have lost someone. It captures this quote from Helen Keller: “What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes part of us.”

We distribute or reference many books on grief here at the Center. Among the popular authors is James E. Miller, who just happened to live across the hall from Ellery Duke in grad school. Miller’s books are eminently practical. In his book, “How Will I Get Through the Holidays?” he enumerates 10 ways to cope:

  1. Accept the likelihood of your pain.
  2. Feel whatever it is you feel.
  3. Express your emotions.
  4. Plan ahead.
  5. Take charge where you can.
  6. Turn to others for support
  7. Be gentle with yourself.
  8. Find a way to remember.
  9. Search out your blessings.
  10. Do something for others.

Many who visit us for counseling and spiritual direction have been touched by death and grief. I am so grateful that they will find at the Center a place of hope and healing as they go through the grieving process.

James E. Hayes, D. Min., M. Div., Executive Director, Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center

Thank you for all you do to make our mission possible.

Jim

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Read more from Jim’s blog: dmpcc.org/Jim

Read more Health Tips from the Center: dmpcc.org/healthtips

Health Tip – Mindfulness: Be Here Now!

Terri Speirs on March 13, 2017

Mark Minear 2012

Mark Minear, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist at the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center

By Dr. Mark Minear, Psychologist at the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center  

“We never keep to the present… We anticipate the future as if we found it too slow in coming and were trying to hurry it up, or we recall the past as if to stay its too rapid flight.  We are so unwise that we wander about in times that do not belong to us, and do not think of the only one that does; so vain that we dream of times that are not and blindly flee the only one that is.” (Blaise Pascal, Pensees, 1659)

I know that it may sound simplistic, even trite, to suggest the importance of living in the present moment—but it is true.  The regrets of the past and the fears of the future are the primary culprits that take us from the gift of the present.   And—if you will allow me a little oversimplification, regrets and living in the past fuel depression and fears and living in the future fuel anxiety.  So… it does make intuitive sense that inhabiting the present moment is of great value to our wellbeing.  The challenge, which most of us don’t readily appreciate, is that if you want to improve your ability to attend to the here and now—then you will need to practice!

Jon Kabat-Zinn suggests that “mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”  You can understand, then, how meditation is simply an optimal way to practice—paying attention with intention and lovingkindness to one’s breath, one’s thoughts, one’s body, sounds in the environment, a candle or a sunset, the taste of blueberries, the aroma of fresh baked bread, etc.… you get the idea.

It would be wise to take some time each day in a formal way—five to ten minutes is a good start (research has shown that consistency is more effective than lengthy times if they are sporadic); however, you can then augment your practice when you have a few minutes waiting for someone, two to three minutes at work for a mini-break, turning off the television and staying in your chair, etc…. you get the idea.

When you practice, you are more likely to know when you are not in the present moment so that you can gently return to the present moment—even under stressful conditions (when we are conditioned to return to the past or tempted to reach for the future).  So… in closing, here are a few nuggets to consider:

  • Be gentle with yourself: nonjudgmental = self-compassion.
  • When you catch yourself straining, know that you are not on the path of mindfulness.
  • Accept the things you cannot control, including your thoughts—but remember you can make choices (including the observation of and the response to your thoughts).
  • Explore the resources on mindfulness—great books, websites, YouTube, etc.
  • Experiment with your practice—investigate with curiosity for what is beneficial.
  • Integrate mindfulness meditation into your current spiritual practices.
  • Be grateful—always a way to be “in the moment”; consider developing a daily gratitude journal.

Two closing quotations:

“The best spiritual advice is the simplest—pay attention.”  (Alexander Green)

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on very wave, find your eternity in each moment.”  (Thoreau)

Register here for the Center’s upcoming Mindfulness Training class.

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In 2016 Dr. Mark Minear walked across the state of Iowa to raise awareness for men’s mental health. View his photo gallery and read his travel blog here. 

Health Tip – Valentine’s Day Special: Healthy Relationship Tips for Couples

Terri Speirs on February 14, 2017

Sarah McElhaney, L.M.F.T.

Sarah McElhaney, L.M.F.T.

By Sarah McElhaney, L.M.F.T., licensed marriage and family therapist at the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center

February 2017 – The relationship with your partner could be one of the most important in your life, yet it is too easy to forget how vital it is to nurture the relationship daily. In the season of hearts and roses as symbols of love, I’d like to offer the following practical tips on how couples may improve their relationship, and overall quality of life:

  • Know your partner’s inner world. Regularly make time with your partner to tune into one another exploring and learning more about each other – from the big stuff like their hopes, dreams, and current goals to the details that make them unique – like their likes and dislikes. Make time, get generally curious, and ask open-ended questions.
  • Promote a positive relationship culture. Good relationships have a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions (contrasted with almost 1:1 in struggling relationships). Point out what your partner is doing right and focus on expressing appreciation, fondness, affection, and respect regularly and in small, everyday moments.
  • Be available and responsive. Being consistently available and responsive to one another and each other’s needs creates a sense trust and an emotional safety net that can be helpful when weathering times of stress. It answers our most basic underlying needs for connection, “Are you there for me? Do I matter?”
  • valentines dayManage conflict calmly and effectively. Conflict is inevitable in relationships. And in couple relationships, 69 percent of problems are “perpetual” problems that are often “unsolvable.” Couples that do well at managing conflict address these areas calmly, have conversations about them that often does not focus on “solving the problem” but rather accepting each other’s influence and positions.
  • Recognize the early signs of relationship distress and seek guidance early. The research is clear — couples generally tend to wait too long before seeking couples therapy (on average an entire six years from when they first began noticing problems), but two of the most important factors for couples doing well in therapy is their motivation level and timing.

The Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center offers couples therapy along with a broad range of mental health services for children, adolescents, adults, couples and families through 26 licensed clinicians. For more information, please visit our website: dmpcc.org. To schedule an appointment, call 515-274-4006 or email info@mindspiritcenter.org

(Tips are adapted by the research and practice from Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, both research and evidenced-based models for couple’s therapy)