Category: Leadership & Spiritual Life

Anxiety Amped Up to “Eleven”

by Chris Waddle, Director of Leadership and Spiritual Life

(March 2021) I thought he was about to hit me! His face was red. His voice was loud. He was invading my personal space. The veins in his neck were even popping out! He said it was because I did not use the pronoun “He” when I talked about God in worship. When I suggested, perhaps I could use both “He” and “She” I thought his head would explode! I decided to refrain from sharing my strong belief that God did not have genitalia.

Still, under mental, emotional, physical, relational, or existential stress, I can feel attacked, insecure, or frightened by other’s anxiety. Today, not so much. Partly because the more I know, the more I am aware of what I do not know. But more importantly, I have learned that people rarely hear me when I come at them emotionally. I know that this is true, because it is also true for me. When people come at me, my natural response is to go into self-defense mode. Fight, flight, or freeze! I was definitely in fight mode in the encounter I just mentioned.

This was not a private encounter. It happened in front of others in the church. I wanted to show folks I could take this guy on, that I could “beat him” and “win” the argument. I did stay calm, and that was good. Still, knowing what I know today, I would have approached him differently. I would not have argued. I would have not explained. I would not have tried to defend myself. I would have done my best to keep calm, stand straight, and let him say everything he wanted to say. I would have clarified that I understood what he was saying as well as the emotion behind it. I would have thanked him for trusting me with his perspective and his feelings. My goal would not have been winning the argument or changing him in any way. My goal would have been modeling to him and to those who are watching a healthy way of engaging with him.
I do not like it when someone gets upset over some little thing and loses all sense of perspective. But do you know what bothers me even more? . . . I know there are times in my life (even this year) that this has been me. I do not like to admit it, but it is true.

I believe I have grown. I believe I am getting better at catching myself and being aware when I feel cornered, attacked, threatened, overwhelmed, or just tired. Still, under mental, emotional, physical, relational, or existential stress, I can, feel attacked, insecure, or frightened by other’s anxiety. I stop listening and feel the need to “defend myself.” My emotional energy goes from being “with” others to trying to “push” others. I might want to push them away or I might want to push then toward something I want them to do or believe. Of course, they usually say “Oh, thank you for pointing out how wrong I am. I just needed you to get angry for me to see your point. I will change now.” . . . no, of course they don’t.

There is a scene in the mocumentary “This is Spinal Tap” where guitarist, Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest) is showing director Marty DiBergi (Rob Reiner) his custom stage amplifiers that “go to eleven.”

MARTY: Does that mean it’s…louder? Is it any louder?

NIGEL: Well, it’s one louder, isn’t it? It’s not ten. You see, most…most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You’re on ten here…all the way up…all the way up….

MARTY: Yeah….

NIGEL: …all the way up. You’re on ten on your guitar…where can you go from there? Where?

MARTY: I don’t know….

NIGEL: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is if we need that extra.. push over the cliff…you know what we do?

MARTY: Put it up to eleven.

NIGEL: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.

MARTY: Why don’t you just make ten louder and make ten be the top… number… and make that a little louder?

(pause)

NIGEL: These go to eleven.

If you need a laugh, here is a link to the clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOO5S4vxi0o&t=2s

There is a part of me that thinks if I just invest a little more emotional energy, if I just turn it up to “eleven,” I can push you, change you, or even negate you. That’s just silly.

Still, “eleven” is that setting right now in many congregations and a great deal of that anxiety is being focused on clergy. Sometimes it is expressed as anxiety over specific issues or policies. Sometimes it is less direct and expressed as scapegoating of the clergy. Clergy even feel it coming from those who they believe should “have their backs” such as congregational or denominational leaders and even their own family members.

If you are clergy or a congregational leader and you are feeling like you are caught in the crossfire right now, you are not alone.

I also have some good news for you. There are things you can learn and techniques you can practice that will help. None of them require you to change anyone but yourself and none of them require you to crank your amp up to “eleven.”

If you would like to learn more, I invite you to join me for a live webinar: “Leadership in 2021: Ministry Under the Shadow of a Pandemic” with Rev. Bill Selby 9:30 -11:30 a.m. Central time. Cost is only $25 and anyone in the USA may register and attend. For more information or to register please visit: https://dmpcc.org/leadershipin2021/

Your partner in hope and healing.

Chris

Whatever the Question, The Answer is Grace

by Chris Waddle, Director of Leadership and Spiritual Life, Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center

February 2021 — “Whatever the question, the answer is grace.” I was about 19 when my pastor said this to me. I was a mess. I was worried about being accepted by God. I was worried about being alone for the rest of my life. I was worried about not being good enough in about fifty different ways. I was “freaking out!”

“Whatever the question, the answer is grace.”

Does that sound too fluffy and simplistic to you? Sometimes it does to me. But not that day. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It cut to the core of everything that was driving my fear and anxiety, perfectionism!

It did not help that I belonged to a denomination that constantly talked about how God was always moving us toward “perfection!” The goal was “perfection in love,” to become the kind of person that responded out of love no matter what the situation. Now my pastor seemed to be completely removing the goal line, “Whatever the question, the answer is grace?”

More and more I am discovering the deep truth of Jim’s words that day. Grace in my faith tradition is the unconditional love and power of God at work for good in our lives and in creation. Grace comes first, not sin, not belief in God, not repentance. . . grace for ALL creation. The Word that called all that is into being and sustains that being in every moment is Grace.

My worth. . . your worth. . . is not ever earned, diminished, or up for grabs. It is a given and a constant. It does not change with my performance or my situation. Trusting in this sacred worth God grants to ALL also helps me with that “perfection in love” part of my tradition.

“Perfection in love” does not mean I do not make mistakes. It means that my initial response in any circumstance is to do what is most loving. That is a very large and compelling vision, and, I really do want to be that kind of person. . . but I am not. But here is the catch. . . I can’t do it, at least, not as a force of will. Such love must be a transformation of my very being.

I am not saying that it does not involve my actions or that it does not involve my choices. What I am saying is, I do not do it. God’s grace is always acting on me and I can choose to work with or work against that movement of love in my life. I choose and act, but God is always the one urging, directing, empowering, and transforming.

Sometimes I experience Grace as providence. Sometimes I experience Grace as warning. Sometimes I experience Grace as forgiveness. Sometimes I experience Grace as a kick in the butt to take a risk get tough and/or be more vulnerable.

Grace is the Love that holds me and adores me. This is something that the mystics, people of deep prayerful connection with God and creation, from many different religious traditions have in common. When they stop, allow themselves to be open to the mystery of life and being they speak of experiencing a deep connection to a Love that delights in all of us and all of creation.

Grace is NOT God “getting over” or “looking past” our sin, or imperfections, to “Love us anyway.” I cringe now when I realize how many times I must have used this “God loves us anyway” phrase as a pastor. When I realized how pathetic it was I vowed never to do it again. I am convinced God does not need to “get over” anything to love us. . . God adores us period.

Why am I so convinced? Because, as I said, it is a consistent experience of deeply prayerful people across religious traditions. It is what I find most compelling in the most loving people I know. It is the way I have experienced love from those who have loved me most deeply, and it is the way I love my own child.

Harvey

If this is true of my experience of love, then how much more must it be true of God! Please give up the the image of God “getting over stuff” to love you “anyway”. . . that image of love is a thousand times too small to fit The Ground and Source of All Being. Frankly, It does not even fit my love for my dog, who I certainly do adore.

Speaking of my dog, Harvey does have some growing edges. So do I. Harvey steals shoes and chews them up. I do not steal shoes but I do have some self-destructive tendencies, unhealthy attachments, prejudices, and bad habits.

This is part of what Christians call “sin.” As a teenager someone told me “God cannot use you if there is sin in your life.” That is part of what was troubling me when I was 19. How could I ever know that there was no sin in my life? There was so much to work on and in some cases I was not even sure what was and what was not a sin! I even thought not thinking correctly about God might be a sin! No wonder I was freaking out!

Of course, now, I realize that even a casual reading of the Bible, history book, or newspaper, will demonstrate God using people ‘with sin in their lives” doing incredibly brave, faithful, and loving things.

Still, I do not like to admit my faults, sins, or even bad habits. However, this is where grace helps me. This is why saying “Whatever the question, the answer is grace” is not a “pass” on growth or accountability but an empowering proverb.

If I feel I have to work on everything at once. The weight of it all is simply too overwhelming and I can easily become demoralized and stuck in guilt and shame. This makes it hard to be vulnerable, to feel loved, to give love freely, or to take a leap of faith, which is precisely how we become our true selves. Grace takes much of the pressure off. Grace says “Your worth as a person is not at risk. You do not have to work on everything at once. Let the same Love that called you into being sustain you as it also transforms you.”

I am guessing that you, like me have growing edges, unhealthy attachments, bad habits, fears, resentments, and other garbage. You may or may not use the same “sin” or “God” language that I do. However, I believe this experience is universally human.

Might it be true that you cannot work on everything at once? Might that be ok? Might accepting this actually be empowering to actually make a meaningful change? If so, what would be most healing or helpful to you at this time in your life?

Perhaps it is time to take a leap of faith? Or, perhaps you need to take a small step first? From a place of grace, knowing you do not have to do it all at once, what next step does your spirit long to take? Who might support you as you take this next step?

Likewise, where do you sense your spirit inviting you to be ok with not being perfect? What is a waste of energy? What is an unrealistic expectation? What might need attention, but not right now?

“Whatever the question, the answer is Grace.”

Your partner in hope and healing,

Chris . . . and Harvey!

• Leadership and Spiritual Life home page: https://dmpcc.org/our-services/leadershipspirituallife/

Program details:

• Program: In this webinar, Rev. Bill Selby, the founder of the Center for Pastoral Effectiveness will help us understand congregations as emotional systems, the impact of anxiety on us and our faith communities, and some implications to consider as you, the leader, respond to parishioners, colleagues, and the anxiety in which we live. (see below for more webinar details)
• Date: April 13, 2021 Zoom meeting
• Time: 9:30 -11:30 a.m. Central time
• Format: Zoom
• Cost: $25 per person
• CEUs: We will offer .2 units (point two) of CEU credit for each event (webinar, group 1, group 2, group 3) for a total of .8 (point eight) CEU credits.
• For more information, please contact Chris Waddle, Director of Leadership and Spiritual Life at the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, cwaddle@mindspiritcenter.org

Self-Care, Sanctuaries, and Playgrounds

by Chris Waddle, Director of Leadership and Spiritual Life

January 2021

I like to fish. Fishing combines so many things I love. I love to search for things. I love to use well designed equipment. I love being outdoors. I love a surprises, and I love fish. They fascinate me. I love them so much I find it hard to keep them. I almost always catch and release. Some of my most cherished memories of my family and friends involve fishing.

When I find myself saying “I have to get away for a while.” My preferred “get away” is almost always fishing. Fishing is where I go to just be in the moment and have a good time. Fishing is were I lose all track of time. Fishing is my playground.

We all need “playgrounds.” I have heard that some people don’t like fishing and prefer other playgrounds like baseball, or playing guitar, or scrapbooking, or reading, or even running. Yes, some people run just for fun. Nothing is chasing them. No one is making them. They just get up at 5 AM and start running. Amazing!

Playgrounds are great. Play is important for people of all ages. Sometimes, all I need is a day on the lake and some hungry fish. However, sometimes I need a different kind of “get away.” Sometimes what I really need is not a playground but a “sanctuary.”

I often think I need a playground. I think to myself “I have got to get away.” I head to the lake, but part of me is not really there. I am fishing, I am catching fish, it is beautiful, but I am not enjoying it. Today, when this happens, I understand what is going on. But the first time it happened, it confused and even frightened me.

I had taken the day off. I knew I needed to take care of myself and get away. I was ready to have some fun, but I was not having fun and I could not figure out why. Fortunately, fishing is not like eating pizza, which I also love. If I had been eating pizza, I might have thought, “Well I must need to eat more pizza and then I will be happy!” But I could not fish any harder and the fish were biting and they were good sized. So, I did the unthinkable. On a beautiful day, with fish biting, I stopped fishing. I found a quiet and secluded place on the bank and I paid attention to what I was feeling. Only then did I realize that I was sad. I was not even sure why, but I cried for a while and soon I began to understand.

At the time, I was a local church pastor. Pastors and other care givers listen to many painful stories. We walk with people through some exceptionally sad experiences. Even today, I do this willingly and I feel good that I am able to be a part of God’s work of healing in the world. I have learned, in such moments, to be emotionally present and not become overwhelmed by other’s pain. However, this does not mean I am unaffected.

My pain in caring for a grieving parent, is no way near as intense as her or his grief, but neither is it insignificant. I hurt too, and that sadness stays with me. So, I need to get away, not to avoid that pain, but to acknowledge it, to respect it, and to feel it. When I am hurting in this way, no playground will ever be helpful to me. In these times, I do not need a playground, I need a sanctuary.   need a safe place and sometimes even a safe person with whom I can feel all of the feelings that need to be felt and say all of the things that need to be said. Yes, big boys and girls do cry and yes, sometimes crying does make things better. Often, after a good cry I am ready to go fishing again.

Sanctuaries are safe places to cry. They are also safe places to doubt, dream, wonder, sing, be honest, and be vulnerable in any way in which our true selves are longing to be acknowledge, welcomed, and loved. Playgrounds are safe places to relax, play, and enjoy life, others, and ourselves just for the sake of being. Sometimes these different movements of the spirit happen in the same physical space, with the same trusted people, or even in the same activity. Sometimes the feelings may even be similar, but they are also unique experiences.

So, how are you today?  hat do you need so that you can take care of yourself?  top. Think. Feel.  Do you need a sanctuary? Does something hurt? Do you need to wrestle with some big questions?  Are you seeking a vision? Or, perhaps, you just need to be still and notice yourself and the world around you?

Perhaps you need a playground? Are you tired of pondering, performing, and producing? Have you been too long in seriousness and wrestling for the answers? Is it time to trust that right now you do not need an answer to that nagging questions and the world and the people you care about will be ok without you for a while. Perhaps it is time to just have fun, to fish, or paint, or play video games, or play guitar, or read, or sing karaoke in your pajamas using an ice cream cone as a microphone?. . . Yes, that is a thing.

Your partner in hope and healing.

Chris

Leadership and Spiritual Life home page

Virtual Clergy Pods: Clergy Leading and Learning Together! 

The concept of the “pod” has emerged as a way of safely connecting with others during the pandemic.  The Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center would like to take this concept into the virtual realm and invite clergy from all faiths and denominations to support each other and share what they are learning about leading and living during this challenging time.

I can still remember the first lecture of the first class I ever took at Duke Divinity School.  Dr. Geoffrey Wainwright, In a very proper and professorial British accent lectured on “the scandal of particularity.”

You might ask, “What is ‘the scandal of particularity?’”. . . go on. . . ask. . . please. . .

(sigh). . . no one ever asks.

Well, Dr. Wainwright and I would like you to know anyway. “The scandal of particularity” is all of the messy challenges that come about when followers of Jesus say that the God of all creation, “The Ground and Source of all Being,” was also somehow mysteriously embodied in a vulnerable baby who pooped his diapers.

Ok, it is a bit more complicated than this, but this is one of the most “scandalous” parts and this is the time of the year when followers of Jesus begin to tell this first story in the first chapter of The Scandal of Particularity.

There are some other good parts too. There are lots of parts where Jesus pisses off good church people by saying the people they thought were doomed to Hell were going to be first in heaven.  There are parts where people who think they don’t matter and have very little power become center stage and examples of great love.  There is a very sad part where Jesus, after pissing off too many politically powerful people, because of all of that stuff I just talked about, is executed as a violent revolutionary.  Then, his inner circle of followers loses all hope and run for their lives.  Until, in the midst of their fear he returns to them in a new kind of body in some new and mysterious way giving them the courage to risk their lives as the “scandal of particularity” somehow, mysteriously lives and continues in them.

Why am I telling you this?  Because I am a part of this “scandal of particularity.” I am a follower of Jesus. I was baptized and raised in a United Methodist Church in South Mississippi. I have been loved and shaped by people from this tradition and those experiences have shaped me in profoundly positive and meaningful ways. None of these experiences or relationships are general.  They are all particular.  This is who I am, and I cannot talk about “faith” “meaning” “love” or “spirituality” without this particularity being a part of that conversation. Even if I do not explicitly say it, this particularity is there.

I believe that at the heart of all of the mysterious, yet very real, experience of spirituality is deep relationship.  I also believe everyone is spiritual, whether or not they choose to use that language or not.  To grow spiritually is to grow in relationship.

Growing in relationship is inherently a practice of vulnerability.  I only have one honest self to offer you and, if it is an honest self, it is also a “particular” self. If you reject it I do not have another authentic self to offer you.

I also know that my particular tradition of faith is not perfect.  Christians, including me, do not and have not always acted like Jesus.  Worse yet, sometimes we have not even recognized and repented of it. Sadly, I and others in my faith tradition, have sometimes turned “the scandal of particularity” into “the scandal of exclusion”.

However, “The scandal of particularity,” is really about God’s inclusion of all people. It begins with a story of angels proclaiming Good News to “all people” and a story of Persian astrologers welcomed into the home of the holy family as some of their first guests.  There is no indication that they ever changed their religion before or after returning home.

I deeply value my particular experience in the United Methodist Church. I believe God was and is at work in if for good in me and in the world.  However, Jesus did not invite people to become “United Methodists” or even “Christians” he invited people to become beautifully human.  The first followers of Jesus were simply called followers of “The Way.”

You and I each have our own “scandal of particularity”. We all come from and speak from a particular experience of faith. Maybe yours has a formal name, worldview, and rituals.  Maybe it does not. Maybe you are still trying to figure out your own relationship with your religious tradition. Maybe you have no desire to be a part of a formal religious tradition.  Maybe you do not believe in God.

Still you, like me, live by faith. You, like me, live as if some things are more true and more real than others. You, like me, are more than just the sum of your biological parts, and you, like me, cannot ultimately test or prove the kind of things that give life its ultimate meaning. We are all a part of the same mystery of being. However, we all live in this mystery in “particular” ways.  While we may be able to talk about spirituality “in general,” we all live into our spirituality “in particular.”

I get very bored with conversations about spirituality in general.  Of course, if I have to choose between religious strife and religious tolerance, I will choose tolerance every time. However, I believe most of us long for something much more meaningful.

In my own experience, the kinds of conversations that have most transformed me in life giving ways, are those in which someone has trusted me with their own “scandal of particularity” while also allowing me to share my own. These are always sacred conversations and I often leave such conversations with a deeper since of connection and care for that person.

As Director of Leadership and Spiritual Life, I want to foster such conversations. I also want to model this in my own conversations with others. This blog is one such conversation. Often I will be speaking from my own particular religious tradition. As I mentioned earlier, even if I do not specifically allude to it, I am sure it will be there.  It is a fundamental part of what makes me who I am.          I find this tradition rational, inspiring, and compelling. It is the best way I know to become the person I was created to be.

At the same time, I expect that anyone who has thoughtfully chosen another worldview or religious tradition, has also done so for similar reasons. So, we all have our own “scandal of particularity.”  Because of this we often try to avoid the topic of religion. We may fear that the conversation will end in argument and division and, sometimes, it does.  However, I have found that when there is trust and respect and the goal is understanding and not to “convert,” some of the most sacred conversations that I have ever had have happened when someone has trusted me with their own “scandal of particularity” and also given me the gift of understanding mine.

Your partner in hope and healing,

Chris

To read more of Chris Waddle’s blogs, click HERE.

When might your congregation benefit from a CAT process?

• measure the level of community satisfaction and energy
• identify the critical success factors for improving organizational climate
• envision the future
• gauge readiness for change
• uncover potential resources

Chris Waddle, M.Div.

“I believe that the essence of spirituality is rooted in ever growing loving relationships with God, others, creation, and our best selves.  As the Director of Leadership and Spiritual Life, he helps leaders, communities, and individuals from all walks of life and religious beliefs nurture these significant relationships. Chris believes nurturing these relationships involves faith, vulnerability, wonder, and playfulness.”

Pastoral Care for the Generalist – June 2021

Putting Down the Pushers – May 2021

What is faith? – April 2021

Anxiety amped up to eleven – March 2021

Whatever the Question, the Answer is Grace – February 2021

Self Care, Sanctuaries, and Playgrounds – January 2021

The Scandal of Particularity – December 2020

No money? No insurance? No problem.  We can help! – November 2020