The Good That Is Already Here
It’s November, which means that much anticipated day of celebration is fast approaching: Black Friday! It’s a day to get a deal on needed items, to save a few bucks on holiday gifts or to discover the thing I don’t know I need until I see what a bargain it is. Some people scope out online sales while others enjoy the thrill of the crowds. However it is celebrated, it is a day of good deals and good profits!
That Thanksgiving and Black Friday are always paired is so interesting to me. It feels a bit like whiplash that one day we’re expected to give thanks for all the good in our lives, and the next we’re off to hunt for all the stuff we’re lacking. It’s hard to stay connected to gratitude while focusing on everything that’s missing.
We live in a culture of “more.” We are bombarded daily with messages about ways in which our lives would be better–we would be better–if only we had more. More time-saving gadgets. More stylish clothes. More healthy food. More restful sleep. More fun experiences. More family time. More time to ourselves. More attractive bodies. More skills, more confidence, more knowledge, more energy, more money, more friends, more, more, more…
There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting more, and there are certainly situations where “more” is genuinely needed. However, we live in a culture where it can be hard to discern if the more that we are seeking will actually address the need we are trying to meet. For example, I’ve recently had ads popping up for a styling service for women that suggest changing to the right style of clothing (as determined by this app) will mean women will be taken seriously and feel more confident. I can see benefits to using a styling app to get ideas or to explore new styles, and I do tend to feel more confident in clothes that I like and that feel comfortable to me. But if I believe that my value lies in how I look and how others perceive me (and that I can’t trust myself to pick out my own clothes), it’s not a styling app that I need. More connection to my own inherent worth and more justice work to transform social systems that define women by their appearance would be more helpful!
In a world that is constantly reminding us of what is lacking in us and in our lives, it’s easy for that lack to become all that we see. It’s easy to buy into (quite literally!) promises that purchasing the right item or service is the key to living the life we’ve always wanted. The problem, of course, is that there is always “more” to be had!
We are imperfect people living imperfect lives, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a whole lot of good here in the midst of all that imperfection. One practice that helps me when I get caught up in the “not good enough” mindset is a practice that I encountered through Kristin Neff and Chris Germer’s Mindful Self-Compassion program: “Gratitude for the Big and Small Things.” As you might guess, it invites us to name five big things and five small things for which we’re grateful. You can write them down, but I will often just count them off on my fingers. Today I’m grateful for big things like my supportive colleagues, healthy family members, my cozy home, reliable transportation, and opportunities to celebrate positive shifts with clients. I’m also thankful for small things, like leftover Halloween candy, the warmth of my lemon ginger tea, cuddles with my dog, my raincoat, and a meme my friend sent that made me laugh. (This practice can work well for looking at things we appreciate about ourselves too.)
Maybe the pairing of Thanksgiving and Black Friday is an invitation. The reality is that we’re not likely to abandon the search for more, in one way or another. But that quest just might look different if we begin with gratitude for the good that is already here.
